unforunate turn of events

I never was any good at the short version...
(For those reading be aware I am talking about my pregnancy and some things may be considered gross to some.)
I woke up this morning with intense contractions having flash backs to Paisley's severely painful delivery. After an hour of watching the clock and them staying at 3-4 min apart I called the Dr and they of course said to go straight to the labor and delivery (this would be my 4th visit between Kaiser and Paisley's pregnancies NOT counting the actual delivery) so I knew the drill. I woke Jason up to let him know I was going in to be monitored. So he stayed home with Paisley and off I went to the hospital. The dark cold empty roads were foreign to me as I have not been out side after dark but twice in the last 5 months. Between contractions and tears I managed to get to the hospital, park and find my way inside safely. When I arrived they were waiting for me and wheeled me up to LD (labor and delivery) once upstairs everything happened right on cue. "Pee in a cup and leave us a sample, get undressed, the opening goes in the back," and so on. After the kind nurse helped me get my socks on she walked me to my new resting area for the next part of the early morning. They monitored my contractions and gave me a shot of Terbutaline. That kicked in 30 quick seconds later... and then came the interesting part! The lovely nurse explained that she needed to check to see if I was dilated. She said that I HAD thinned out since my appointment only a few days ago on the 23rd. After checking me she went typing away into the computer. Suddenly she turned to me and literally freaked out asking me if I had placenta previa, I said yes my Dr has told me that I have it. (I was never allowed to take sex education growing up... so I know ZILCH when it comes to this pregnancy stuff and the inside workings of my own body. I just happened to research placenta previa online a few days prior, so I had some clue how dangerous it was but still not to the fullest--see previous blog post for explanation of placenta previa) she explained that NOTHING should be "up there" because if the placenta was to rupture then we are in serious trouble. I apologized for not telling her how to do her job (very politely) and explained I assumed she new and I was trusting she checked my charts before she checked me... after a few moments of nervousness of whether or not she caused any damage we moved on to the next dilemma. Next they/we thought that my water had broke as I was sitting in a mini puddle of... something. They tested it and were inconclusive as to whether it was amniotic fluid or not, so they brought in the ultrasound to see how much fluid Kai still had surrounding him. There was enough fluids still that they were not concerned and said to just let them know if there was any more. Well here is a gross part... I am in the process of losing my mucus plug, and on top of that the placenta previa causes a strange sort of bleeding here and there, so now every time I have to pee it is a new "scare" to see what is or is not coming out. (End of gross part, sorry) Well by now 3 hours of monitoring had past and the shot of Terbutaline had worked for the first 2 hours then they began to return, but only back to my "normal contractions" so they talked with the on call Dr and returned with the news. Officially I am on the highest level of at home bedrest. I have been given strict orders and they read: Your activity will be complete bed rest and in most cases requires hospitalization to achieve. With this restriction you should spend your time in bed and laying flat. This may involve using a bed pan and having sponge baths. In some cases a bedside commode will be allowed. (as if that is a privilege?)
The nurse was kind enough to give me permission to get up ONLY to use the restroom and nothing else. So no bedside commode or bedpan will be needed... THANK GOD. After giving me this news the nurse explained the importance of adhering to these rules. She informed me that the next step will be hospitalization. She also informed/threatened me that they are very strict at not allowing any children into the rooms due to flu scare and how at risk pregnant women are. So if I were to end up in the hospital (she mentioned she wasn't even sure why they were not admitting me in the first place) that I would NOT see my daughter for the next 7 plus weeks! (Of course she finally had my attention) She also explained that I am a huge risk between the early labor and the placenta previa. The placenta previa is the largest reason as to why the bedrest is so strict and mandatory as it puts both Kaiser and me at risk of bleeding out and dying. Just standing causes gravity to take effect and because he is head down and where my placenta is still resting, that gravity itself (nevermind the contractions on top of it) can cause the membrane to rupture and put us both at a huge risk.
So needless to say I have been laying down all day and will be until Feb the 14th when I can stop my meds and Kaiser will be far along enough to come out safely. (as far as my Dr is concerned) Jason has it worked out to get a computer to take home so he can work from home 3 days a week and the other two days friends have stepped in to help watch Paisley for the day so Jason can go in to work. Friends have already started bringing us dinners and blessing us just by offering to help out in any way they can. We know that the Lord has a plan for everything and though we may not know WHAT that is, it's not the point. The point is that He never gives us more than we can handle and since He is along side of us and building our relationship together as a family learning to REALLY TRULY lean on one another and other friends and family for support we WILL come out victorious with a healthy handsome baby Kaiser. A family friend sent a bunch of scriptures for encouragement and this one stuck with me and will be with me for the next few weeks.
Hebrews 10:35-36 (AMP) ³⁵ Do not, therefore, fling away your fearless confidence, for it carries a great and glorious compensation of reward.
³⁶ For you have need of steadfast patience and endurance, so that you may perform and fully accomplish the will of God, and thus receive and carry away [and enjoy to the full] what is promised.

As always I am an open book, if you have any questions please feel free to call... I wont be busy ;) Also for anyone willing to pray for our family in this time of need, here are some of the specifics that we as a family are praying for:
JASON to be filled with peace, patience and communication through these trying times as he is asked to play Dad and Mom. Also some time to himself, I know how important that is for my sanity and he has always made sure I got it as often as possible, I pray the same for him.
PAISLEY to remember everything she has been taught when spending time at others homes, that she be on her best behavior for those so kind to watch her for us. I ask for her safety as this will be a first experience of consistent babysitting. Lastly that she be blessed and make some great memories and never look back at this time and feel neglected. That she experience nothing but LOVE and excitement as she adjusts to these sudden but needed changes.
KAISER that he would continue to grow quickly so when he does arrive that he is "complete" and perfectly healthy. That he is kept safe in my womb where the Lord has so miraculously designed for him to be. That however the delivery may be (vaginal or c-section) that it be an enjoyable safe experience for us both.
PRAY FOR THOSE HELPING US OUT that the Lord would bless them 10 fold. That the Lord would find a way for us to bless them in return at a later time and they would truly know what a blessing they are to our humble family. Special thanks to those so willing/insisting to watch Paisley for us on a weekly basis (Amber & Joel, Steve and Donna, Vanessa and family) also a thank you to Oakley and Jason's bosses for being behind him/us 100% and taking a big relief off his shoulders. And all of the gracious people bringing us dinners, it is a huge help to our family. Also for all of those would help if they could, we appreciate your generosity as well, GOD bless them ALL!
For myself I just ask that the Lord continues to bring me comfort and peace. That I can keep my sanity and positive perspective to help keep my family encouraged and going strong.
I read this this afternoon and I will close with this...
He never truly becomes all we need until we realize He is all we have. (an old saying quoted in one of favorite books "Surprise Endings" By Ron Mehl)
That is all for now!

explanation of placenta previa

Definition/explanation of placenta previa-

During pregnancy, the placenta moves as the uterus stretches and grows. In early pregnancy, a low-lying placenta is very common. But as the pregnancy progresses, the growing uterus should "pull" the placenta toward the top of the womb. By the third trimester, the placenta should be near the top of the uterus, leaving the opening of the cervix clear for the delivery.

Sometimes, though, the placenta remains in the lower portion of the uterus, partly or completely covering this opening. This is called a previa.

Your doctor will order pelvic rest, which means no intercourse, no tampons, and no douching. Nothing should be placed in the vagina.

Your health care providers will carefully weigh your risk of ongoing bleeding against the risk of an early delivery for your baby.

Women with placenta previa most likely need to deliver the baby by cesarean section. This helps prevent death to the mother and baby. An emergency cesarean may be done if the placenta actually covers the cervix and the bleeding is heavy or life threatening.

Risks to the mother include:

• Death
• Major bleeding (hemorrhage)
• Shock

There is also an increased risk for infection, blood clots, and necessary blood transfusions.

The Bait of Satan By John Bevere

The Bait of Satan -Your response determines your future- By John Bevere
I just started this book a friend s is letting me borrow it...
This book it hitting home with me and very encouraging. Thank you Vanessa, just when I needed it too!
(on the back it reads)
-are you compelled to tell your side of the story?
-Do you fight thoughts of suspicion or distrust?
-Are you constantly rehearsing past hurts?
-Have you lost hope because of what someone else did to you?

Each of those hit me in different ways at different moments... If any of them strike you I suggest reading it as well!

BECOMING TRACI 2009

Becoming Traci 2009
Serve your heavenly Father. Check. Love your husband. Check. Love your daughter. Check. Manage your home. Check. Care for your soul. Huh??? Caring for my soul and becoming Traci is my goal for 2009. This blog is to hold me accountable, track my progress and encourage me throughout the year ahead. This is going to be MY year...

As you read above this blog is to hold me accountable, keep be going and not loose sight of who I am capable of being. God made me. God made me to do wonderful things. Being a Mommy is a wonderful calling, but there is so much more to me. I have so much more in me that I am going to be, 2009 is going to be a starting point for me. Comments are encouraged and opinions are wanted. Welcome 2009 and the beginning of a new life for me... TRACI!

1 Corintians 10:13

1 Corinthians 10:13
No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.

Galations 6 8-9

Galations 6 8-9
The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the spirit, from the spirit will reap eternal life. Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will a harvest if we do not give up.

2yr old VS. 24yr old

Life is just hilarious isn't it... I have to just sit back and laugh at the fact that I consider myself to be fairly mature, at least most of the time. The last few weeks my prayers have been focused on mine and Paisley's relationship. She is entering in to a very interesting stage. She is learning to really talk and express herself. She is more independent then I would have ever expected (this early anyway) she is so smart and aware, picking up on everything... good bad and otherwise. I have found myself really struggling to stay "ahead of the game" and "on top of it all" mostly in the discipline category.
SO I have been praying often and hard about the dynamics between the two of us. Asking specifically for discernment, wisdom, patience and grace. The Lord put on my heart some things I was not exactly ready for. (go figure) It felt like he played a little movie just for me in my head... the jist of it was Paisley not getting her way and throwing a fit, then immediately I reacted to her fit by basically throwing one myself. It hit me really hard. It hurts to realize that you are making a situation worse and not better. It is even more emotional and personal when that person is a precious human being that I brought into this world. A little girl that I am responsible for and love more than life itself. To see and realize that (to a point) she was just mimicking what she saw me doing. How could I blame her? So I brought it up to Jason and we had a long talk regarding the discipline topic. It was not our first, that is for sure, BUT it did have a whole new spin. I felt the Lords presence on either side of the conversation and I felt more encouraged than condemned or discouraged. Jason was also able to add some very helpful (painful but helpful non the less) observations he had had himself and wasn't sure how or when to bring it up...
So in conclusion, I have learned a very important lesson. A very humbling lesson and one I need to be able to look back on OFTEN.
1. I need to relax. Short and simple. Now if only it were easier said then done! But with prayer and practice it is working.
2. DO NOT REACT. I am finding that to help keep me from REacting to Paisley's actions, I count to 5 in my head before saying a word to her. It helps me keep in perspective what is actually going on. 10 out of 10 times the fit she is throwing or the action she is doing that is making me upset is really NOT a big deal. Yes I need to address and give out consequences accordingly, BUT by acting, and not REacting, I am staying "in control" and I am not letting her rule the moment.
3. Act. Very similar to the last one. But when I ACT I find that I am staying calm, not raising my voice a lot more gets accomplished. For example she is throwing a fit while she has friends over. Before I would have just said "Paisley that is not OK, stop." Well that was me REacting. Now I am working on Acting. So I would say "Paisley please come here..." giving us both time to cool off a bit. Then I explain to her, " We do not act like that. If you want to keep it up you can get in trouble." and when she is really throwing a fit and working herself up, I ask her to tell me what wrong or upsetting her. I then explain that whining is not OK that she needs to talk about it instead. (Because she needs to be able to have emotions and express herself but there are better ways to do that, other then whining and or throwing a fit.)
4. Don't take it personal. Yeah I know it makes me look really immature, but (as Jason pointed out to me) I was taking it personal when she would back talk us or not listen the first time when we asked her to do something. I felt she "knew better" but as I am learning, she is still 2 and not 24... so yes she may have been told before, but she is still naturally going to test the boundaries, and that is not personal. So since I don't take everything to personal when my 2 year throws a fit, I am able to laugh at the situation, and better direct the moment.
5. Stay consistent. This one is not knew, but it never hurts to be reminded. Being consistent in my case is remembering CONSTANTLY #'s 1, 2, 3, 4 & 6.
6. Pray, pray, pray. It is another simple one, but oh so powerful. I may have learned a few lessons from my 2 year old, but the main thing is I can not do this on my own. So stay in prayer about it ALL and then I will be more equipped and prepared as the moments happen.

aaahhhhh deep breath. So now it doesn't have to be the 2yr old VS. the 24yr old. I have better tools to help me be the parent. I can rise to the occasion and not fall down to her level. (which is good for a 2yr old, but not for a 24yr old)

whats new... (before 2010)

Well had some dreams and goals to accomplish this year. I wish I could honestly say that they were all accomplished (since it is now Dec of 2009) BUT I did not. Surprisingly I am OK with it all though. The deeper goals that I had like praying, reading and worshiping on my own more often have been accomplished. I feel they are all part of the normal routine now and not just when it works for me. But also not routine in the fact that they are being done just to be done. A few of the more shallow goals were accomplished but not all. I didn't get to go snowboarding, or skydiving this year. But I am fine with the fact that I am expecting a little boy and both would put him at risk. So they can wait until next year! The bed rest is not helping either but again, I have plenty of more years to reach all of my goals while coming up with others. Some goals I was not expecting to accomplish this year have also been met... Paisley has been potty trained now since the middle of summer. We are having a baby boy around February of 2010. We were hoping to get pregnant this year, but we could have never imagined the joy of knowing we are having a boy to complete our family. Jason and I gave up drinking and having alcohol in the house. Well I guess I should get my list started for 2010... it will be interesting to see what I could possibly dream up after this amazingly successful, exciting and unforgetable year! Praise Jesus.

A big bag of change

Well recently I was put on bed rest and medication... just like we went through with Paisley's pregnancy. Little Kaiser was trying to come early, REALLY early. My body is responding well to the medication and the bed rest and the contractions are much less frequent and most of the time less painful and intense. My belly is growing much quicker then with Paisley and man he is low. Paisley went head down the last 6-8 weeks of her pregnancy (he is not head down yet, thankfully) but my entire uterus is much lower. I can not wear anything but a pair of shorts (and it is super cold outside) and one pair of leggings. I am even down to one shirt that fits, where he hits when I am wearing clothes is not very convenient :) So on the plus side it is working out that I pretty much live in my PJ's. I am now in my third trimester, and man is that exciting. I feel like I can see the silver lining now and that this whole struggle is doable. It doesn't just effect me though. It also effects Jason and Paisley. Now Jason not only works during the day but then has to help with chores around the house that he RARELY ever has to lend a hand at. I am eternally grateful that he does it with such a great heart, it makes it much easier to ask for help. Paisley is also effected, if I can't leave the house all day (or at least I am not REALLY supposed too...) (sometimes we just have to for our sanity!) but if I am home all day most days, then so is she. We have been doing lots of art projects for the Christmas season just sitting on the floor making stuff. She is a trooper though, and as a friend said to me recently, "Paisley would rather have a healthy brother then go to Disneyland." (I was complaining to her that our passes end and we wont get to take Paisley again as a family during the holidays)
After typing this all out I actually feel a lot more at peace. I know a lot of wonderful people are praying for us, and we can feel God working. It is nice to look back and see how much time has already passed, and that we really don't have far to go know. It is still emotional and challenging most of the time, but we can do this! I also keep reminding myself (as do others) that this is only for a season. I can look back at bed rest with Paisley and the time felt like FOREVER. Now looking back it is a drop in the hat! Thank you all for the support, prayers, visits, offers and gifts... we really feel blessed.

We are having a BOY

Well on Oct 1st Jason and I celebrated our 4 years wedding ann. I had a Dr apt scheduled for that day... while in the office I explained to my Dr. that is was our ann and if we could try and see the sex of the baby I would be greatful. Well she warned me it may not happen but we could sure try. Little did she know we (Paisley and I) had been praying about it for a week. So we stepped into an ultrasound room and Paisley got so excited once again repeating "see baby Momma, Paisley see baby!" and right off the bat HE moved his butt to the side and sure enough revealed that indeed we were going to have a BOY!
Jason was not at the apt so we lied to him and said that they couldn't get us in to an ultrasound room on short notice. So Pais and I went shopping for some boy clothes (that was quite more difficult than I had anticipated) we found the perfect onsie that said "I'm the little brother" and wrapped that along with the ultrasound photo shown in the picture... when Jason got home he was confused why I got him a gift since we said we weren't able to afford gifts again this year. I said to just open it! So he did and teared up while freaking out. It was AWESOME. Paisley is so proud to say she is the big sister and that she has a brother in Momma's tummy...
Well we have a named ready and it is Kaiser Ray Kenitzer. We will call him Kai for short. Both Paisley and Kaiser do not have meanings to their first name but instead their middle names carry the meaning and what we have called out upon them in the Lord's name. (Paisley's is LIV which is Norwegian and means LIFE... fitting huh!) Ray or Raymond happens to be found 2 times on each side (Banick's and the Kenitzer's) RAY is German and means Godly Protector. We thought it was even more fitting that Kaiser has already been "saved or protected" by God and he is not even born yet!
We have started to register at Babies R Us so friends and family can see our "style" for baby Kai. Again boy shopping is hard and we want him being dressed in manly baby stuff... if you know what I mean! No sailor outfits and no cliche baby boy outfits... well you get it ;) So anyway we are having fun preparing for our little man and can hardly wait!!!

Well it is Sept

and praise God almost OCTOBER! We have had a long year with record visits from family and friends. It was great but I think it is safe to say we over did it. We talked and have decided to stay home for Christmas and enjoy our last Christmas as just the three of us. Paisley will be such a great age to better grasp all the traditions we have and take a bigger part in them with us and not just watch. I have received news that my Dad is getting married however, and possibly by the end of the year, so if that is so we will of course make it up to Oregon to be a part of that to welcome Kim and her beautiful daughters to the family!
It has been the hottest summer EVER (for us) and we are barely surviving with out AC... cooking or should I say not cooking has been the hardest part. I enjoy cooking and since it is so HOT I can not use the oven or stove, and well it has been months... needless to say I have never been SO ANXIOUS for fall. October 1st Jason and I will be celebrating 4 years of marriage. We are humbly proud. We know we could not have made it this far with out Jesus Christ in the middle of it. Of course the years where He was more accurately on the sidelines and not exactly in the middle where very rough and we had some close calls to giving up, BUT thankfully the Lord had other plans for us. Now days we work hard to keep the Lord in the middle of our everything, and as often as possible pray that He goes ahead of us in our day to day routines, it is amazing (amazing but no surprise) that those days always go much smoother then the days I do not make time to call on Him.
I called this year (2009) out to be MY year. It has been just that. The Lord has worked in me like never before. I feel so full of love and better understanding of my Heavenly Father. As we learned Sunday at church that the better we understand God, the better we KNOW Him. Some days I don't make time and find myself feeling "further away" than I am comfortable with, and others I stop myself and slow down... I love those days. We also learned that God has called out upon each of us an authority. That hit me pretty hard. I know I am a courageous person and that I have never had a problem standing up for things that I believe in, but this was a different twist. It encouraged me to get even closer with the Lord so that by understanding Him more I will KNOW His will for me, and once I know His will for me as a daughter of Christ, a wife and a mother (among other things) I can go forth more boldly than ever before. Pastor Ryan read through Mark chapter 4 and brought up something I had never considered when reading that story. Ryan explained that when Jesus asked His disciples to go across to the other side He meant it, that was their calling out. When the wind and rains came and began flooding their boat, they cried out to God and asked him why he was letting them perish. God calmed the wind and the rain, but then looked to his men disappointed that THEY had not called the winds and rain knowing in faith that God was the one that asked them to go to the other side in the first place. I had always just seen the miracle in the story that God saved them and controlled the weather... but there was so much more there in that story, and for me it hit home. So before I can call out in faith authority over my home, family neighbors and whatever else, I need to get down to the basics and understand God better. One other thing I wrote down in my notes that sums this up for me is the definition of Authority. Authority-is the freedom to act, the power to act. Well I am going to work on understanding and doing just that. Walking Tall in the Kingdom.
I ordered some new books to help me along the way that I think will be very encouraging, once I start reading them I will let you know if I would suggest them or not.
In short (haha) life is going good. Baby is healthy and the pregnancy is going by faster at least for a little while now... Paisley is growing like a weed inside and out. She is definitely living up to the meaning of her name even at the age of 2. She is full of life and spreads life wherever she goes, praise God! She got a bike and started her first dance class to give her a creative outlet , independence and learn to be with other kids and listen to a teacher, we were so proud of her. She is of course our child though and we work daily on her stubbornness and strong will, both can be good in ways and not in other ways, so we are trying to stay on top of those characteristics as well. She loves "reading" and singing to my belly and kissing it often. Jason puts her to bed each night and I guess last night she said her own prayer " Jesus thank you for, five... Jesus love Momma, Daddy, baby... Jesus amen" haha gotta love it!
Well again we are just waiting for fall and all the wonderful Holiday traditions that come with it. This is going to be a perfect ending to a wonderful year. I can't imagine what the Lord will be bringing us next year, besides a new bundle of joy to complete our family! Oh my...
Thank you for taking the time to read my rambling, but now you are caught up.
Love Traci

Trusting in the Lord

Well trusting in the lord is nothing new for me and my family. Often when I find myself fully trusting in the Lord I am in the most uncomfortable place. A place I call "in the middle" not knowing what the final outcome will be. I am not a very patient person either, so that does not help. Well we are in the middle right now and waiting to see what the Lord has in mind for our family. We are currently 10weeks pregnant with our second child. We had company visiting from Bend, OR and we sat down for dinner when I didn't feel good all of the sudden. Long story short (and sparing the gory details) I realized that I was bleeding. I called my Dr and they told us to go to the ER. We were thankful we had our company and that it was their second night so they were comfortable watching Paisley for us. So Jason and I took off to the ER. They got us right in and then the waiting began. We arrived just before 9PM and got home just before 2AM after two ultrasounds, a pelvic exam and a few other tests they explained that we the babies heart is beating and that my uterus is completely unharmed. So that baby was OK and they called it a threatened miscarriage. So my body tried to miscarriage but the baby held on. They sent us home and put me on bedrest, my least favorite thing... also our trip to Oregon (we are supposed to leave this coming Sunday the 23rd) is on hold for now we are going in Friday and they will give us the go ahead or not. Yesterday Jason stayed home and watched Pais so I could stay on full bedrest. I got a lot of sleep but was still bleeding (not as much as the night before) and I was cramping really bad, so bad I was in tears on and off all afternoon and evening. So I called my Dr asking if that was normal after what happened the night before or if this was new, they explained that as of last night there was a heartbeat and now it is a matter of time to see what the final outcome is. We are staying positive and just waiting to see what the Lord has planned for our family. We trust and know from past experiences that everything happens for a reason, even though we may not know what the "reason" is right now we are at peace and waiting as patiently as we can to see what the final outcome will be. Check back here for updates and prayers are of course appreciated.
I personally am hanging in there, it is very emotional, especially having Paisley talk and ask about baby... I am enjoying Paisley in the mean time and being more thankful for her then ever before. Jason has been a great support and help mate and I am of course thankful for him too. I am missing family back home right now with my emotions running so high, but I am trying to stay strong.
We will continue to trust the Lord, we know He knew about this long before I was even born, so although this may be a surprise to us, this is no surprise to Him. We will continue to keep our faith in God and know that He will be our comfort and strength no matter the outcome.
Love The Kenitzer's

I love this...

Wabi-sabi is a set of ancient Japanese principles that center on celebrating and finding beauty in the imperfect and unconventional. Wabi is new, fresh and unfinished, while sabi is beauty that comes with age, wisdom and use.

HA, I would consider that ME in a nut shell... ugh oh a new tattoo :)

Agape Love

Agape love
Agape love is the love God sheds abroad in the hearts of his children. It is the same love Jesus gives freely to us. It is unconditional. It is not based on performance or even whether it is returned. It is a love that gives even when rejected.
More on this topic at another time...

Letting go, with help

Well I am not exactly sure how to word this. BUT it needs to be known. Lately the Lord has been very alive in our home. Jason has been on fire to read and know the word (the Bible) and has even inspired me along the way. We even take turns reading to each other each night before bed, and the Lord is bringing all sorts of new topics for us to talk about like never before. We started marriage counseling a few weeks ago. Everything was "fine" in our marriage, nothing to worry about, but we knew it could be more than just fine and we were ready to make the changes, for us and for Paisley. We belong to a church that has literally saved our lives. For me, after growing up in the presence and teaching of Ron Mehl (Ron Mehl the great, in my mind) I was spoiled. When he passed I thought there was no way I could ever find the leadership and Godliness that Ron empowered. For years I was right. But recently the Lord has brought us to a new church called The Bridge. It has really changed our lives and our family dynamic. We gladly and excitedly attend every Sunday, now bringing our visitors instead of using them as an excuse not to get up for church. Since moving to a new church the Lord has put me in a womens group that meets every other week. This group is very real and no more gossiping or pure venting, instead real things are happening in all of our marriages and families.

So now that you are some what up to date on our lives in Southern California... here comes the deep stuff. This may be news to some people. BUT Jason and I both have a drinking problem. We each have a different problem and have been "struggling" but ignoring the fact for many years. I personally have been drinking heavily and consistently since I was 13. I had my time with some drugs along the way back in high school and just out of high school days, with pot and cocaine. I was addicted to both at one point. Even as far as to selling cocaine... I know this may hurt a some of you who "raised" me but it is true and I am not one to hide my past, but instead learn from it. Sorry if this is embarrassing or upsetting but it is real. I was blessed to never get killed or kill anyone else during those times with the dumb and careless decisions I was making while on the drugs. (mostly just driving myself an others while intoxicated and even being pulled over multiple times but not getting caught) The Lord spared me more than I will ever know. I am not looking forward for that day in Heaven when He shows me all He spared me from and all that I deserved but He saved me from. It will be an emotional day... but I can only blame myself. Back to the alcohol. Alcohol is addicting just like the drugs were. The "problem" is that alcohol is socially exceptable. It is easier to hide (so we thought) as an obvious addiction. Over the past 6 months I can personally look back and see all the times the Lord was putting on my heart that I had a problem. Alcohol is not bad, in fact there is nothing wrong with alcohol, just like guns, it is the one holding the alcohol that has the power to make it a good thing or a bad thing. In my case I was abusing alcohol. I tried controlling the amount and how often Jason and I were drinking it. For example, we were each drinking at the LEAST 2 shots (of hard liquor) and 3 beers 5 nights a week and on the weekends, even more than that. (again for some of you this may be a surprise and others you already knew) I am small and young but have a huge tolerance for alcohol, for what ever reason... so I am not exaggerating and obviously this was a problem. We however never felt it was a problem. We each took turns justifying that "we are't getting drunk" or "look at Pais we are obviously good parents" and many more similar excuses to continue consuming massive amounts of alcohol. The Lord had had enough. He put it on my heart that we had to let alcohol become a problem in our household. I unfortunately and selfishly ignored His pleas... I briefly brought it up to Jason and it was met with much resistance. I used my husbands resistance as an excuse not to let go of alcohol and to attempt to control the amount we were intaking. Of course I already had a problem and was quite deep in it. So taking it on by myself was a joke and a waste of time. We ended up drinking even more! The Lord patiently and softly did not give up on me. One night I could not sleep and it was weighing on my heart very strongly. I brought it up to Jason very sheepishly, that I felt that the Lord wants me to give up alcohol all together. Completely stop. Jason thought I was crazy (I do not blame him, this was a HUGE change in our home and lifestyle, for him it was sudden and out of the blue) I went out into the living room and just cried, knowing what I needed to do, but honestly not thrilled at the idea of completely quiting. The Lord touched my heart and filled the voids that night. But no surprise, I got scared and uncomfortable and stopped for a few days, then decided to enjoy a beer feeling that I deserved one. (after all I gave it up for a new nights!) (HA!) So the following night was Monday night and I was meeting up with the ladies from my womens group. I rehearsed to myself over and over the whole car trip there, "Do not tell them about the alcohol, they won't understand, they will hold you accountable and you wont be able to keep working it out on your own, you will have them helping you" (that was the last thing that I wanted) Well the group talked about different points we were reading in our book. The next chapter that we talked about was titled "I sin a lot" the first question we talked about was "what sin has a strong hold in your life right now" Internally I was shouting out, but the rest of my insides were drowning at the thought of just letting it out in the open. I secretly (so I thought) looked around the room as a battle was going on inside of my head, when Jan a woman in our group was staring right at me... who knows for how long. She said, "Oh, Traci do you have something to say?" OH Sh** was honestly the next thing that went through my head... then all of the sudden I was spewing out everything I was going through and how I keep ignoring the Lords plea and was scared and EVERYTHING! In my head I was saying "oh great here we go! Your life is over, and you SAID you wouldn't tell them!" Then all I could do was cry. I was finally NOT in control. The Lord quit whispering and stepped in, (THANK GOD) not only did 4 other women know about my problem, but they were all ready to hold me accountable and encourage me. Then on top of that, they were huddled around me with their hands on me praying words of the Lord, full of encouragement, love, passion, God's will, and insight... my life was changed after the first prayer and there were still 3 more women to pray! We followed that by a talk that including Jason and him also stopping, a few of them knowing his personal battle with alcohol too. I said that he will not be a fan if he even agrees in the first place. I went home and prayed for him, and every night since, while continuing to NOT drink any alcohol. A few nights later I brought it up to Jason that I felt the Lord wanted him to stop as well, for himself, for me and for our family. He responded with much defense (again I do not blame him, the Lord speaks to each of us differently and in His timing) I had to trust that the Lord would have His way in Jason's heart on his own timing, not MY timing. I stepped back telling Jason and the Lord that this was not my battle to fight, that this was the Lord's. We went to bed not speaking. The following evening Jason came home and said "we need to talk" I was so scared he was going to say anything beside what actually came out of his mouth... He explained that all morning the Lord was weighing on his heart and that he was very emotional (Jason was allowing the Lord to show him what he wanted for Jason) Jason explained that he was ready and willing to give up alcohol completely too. The Lord had put on his heart reasons that made sense to him why it would benefit him to let go of alcohol as well.
So with the Lords help we are going forward with out alcohol in our life. As I said before it was a habit and a lifestyle for us. So each day is going to be a new adventure, but as it says in Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me.

I just wanted this out in the open. Please keep us accountable, and encourage us, we need it. We have made a hard decision to strengthen ourselves, our relationship (both our marriage and our marriage with our Heavenly Father) also and very importantly to be MUCH better parents and examples for the beautiful daughter that God has blessed us with.

Please feel free to email us with any questions or anything you may be feeling, we are out in the open about this, it is no secret. (any longer) Also, if you have any Bible verses that could help us in this change of lifestyle, we would greatly appreciate it. Of course prayers of praise to the Lord above is in order and prayers for continued help is always needed as well.

Thank you for your love and support. We appreciate and love you all, God bless
Love Traci and Jason

All I Need Is Jesus Ch 3

Ch 3 I have pride issues

Q#1 Can you think of a situation where pride has led to your downfall?

Not specifically, but pride is a sneaky area for me. She writes about befriending "needy" people. That spoke to me. I want to be filled up and encouraged by those I spend my time with. I am learning that instead of unfriending the "needy or not so fun to be around people in my life, I need to pray about who God wants me to spend my time with. then be prepared through prayer that many of those people may not be who I would choose.

Q#2 What areas do you struggle with pride?

I like to be in control and plan ahead. I am often humbled when the Lord takes me a different direction then I expected.

Q#3 Using the definition of humility, recognizing yourself for who you really are, how do you define yourself?

Bossy, stubborn, Stuck in MY ways, always attempting to hold the reigns.

Q#4 How does the fact that Jesus love you, just as you are, change your view?

I am learning to use my stronger characteristics like bossy and always leading for good and not bad. Just being aware that I have certain characteristics is a huge difference. I am learning to pray more and not just OFFER the Lord the reigns to my life in worship and prayer but actually give them over to Him. Because through His love and meeting me where I am at, imperfections, short comings and all, I am humbled that He loves me enough to forgive me over and over and over. Everlasting unconditional love is so powerful and an area in my life I really need the Lord to meet me at and share the burden of the yoke with Him, my Heavenly Father.
Matthew 11:28-30
Then Jesus said,"Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. let me teach you, because I am humble and gently, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke fits perfectly, and the burden i give you is light."

All I Need Is Jesus Ch 2

Ch 2 I am not a supermodel

Q#1 Do you feel pressure to look a certain way? Where does it come from?

Yes, I do feel that pressure. Ever since having Paisley and moving to California I have lost the confidence that I used to have. I am slowly but surely gaining that back. The pressure comes from myself, I am always comparing myself to more fit and in shape women, but that is what makes me get my butt off the couch and working out again, so I do not mind comparing.

Q#2 How do you think God views how you look?

I think it hurts His feelings when I do not fully appreciate the God given beauty He has blessed me with. I think He is pleased when I take care of my body and eat healthier and excersize, for both me and for my families sake.

Q#3 Do you give more care to your "inner" or "outer" beauty?

Sadly my outer. It is easier to focus on the outer beauty. The inner beauty takes a lot more work. Now that I have been challenged though, I will arise to the occasion and change that.

All I Need Is Jesus Ch 1

Ch.1 I am oh so tired

Q#1 What part of your life do you struggle with "the tired lady?"

Many parts. As of late I have (more often then not) had a difficult time prioritizing. I am a Mom, wife, friend, believer, entrepreneur, cook, cleaner and so much more. I need to make prayer a top priority and let the rest of my hats rest in the Lords hands. After all He have me all of the hats in the first place...

Q#2 How do you feel life is pulling at you?

How is it not... I am trying to learn to go with the flow and respond to change better (a must as a mom) But I always feel like I am failing just enough in one area that I never allow the positive feelings of success from another area to sink in. Therefore I feel like I have failed (again) It makes me feel like I can never get it "all" right and enjoy life.
BUT I am learning (through self reflection and prayer) that the Lord loves me enough to meet me where I am at. I do not have to have it "all" together to please the Lord or to receive His love. His love is unconditional, and because He loves me unconditionally it allows me to love myself more unconditionally.

Q#3 How do you identify with Peter and his struggles?

I hope that I do not identify with Peter (well at least Simon[he was Simon before the Lord changed his name to Peter]) I pray that if I am in any way similar to Peter (his betrayal and lazy side) that the Lord would use whatever He has to to knock me straight and open my eyes. I pray that the Lord will not give up on me!

Q#4 What is your prayer as you are caught in the crazy life?

Lord,
I thank you from the bottom of my heart that you love me enough to meet me where I am. I thank you for your forgiveness and the compassion you show towards me every day. I am thankful that you know my heart and hear my cries for grace and patience all the while saving me from myself. I owe everything to you and pray for you guidance through my busy days, that you would assist me in prioritizing my day to day tasks. I love you, Amen

Matthew 11:28-30

Then Jesus said,"Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. let me teach you, because I am humble and gently, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke fits perfectly, and the burden i give you is light."

All I Need

All I Need Is Jesus & A Good Pair Of Jeans by Susanna Foth Aughtmon is the book I am currently reading. I just started it yesterday for our new womens group. I read the first three chapters (they are not too long) in a an easy hour taking time to reflect and really take in this book and the concepts. The theme of the book is "the tired supergirl's search for grace" I knew I would get something out of this book, but who knew this much! It comes with a study in guide in the back. I must suggest this book to all women.
Go check it out, or if you want to borrow it (and return it) I would love to share!!!

Child numero 2!!! (BEFORE 2010)

Well we wanted to give Paisley a sibling, and we wanted them to be as close to 3yrs as possible. Last night we found out that we are pregnant.... PRAISE THE LORD!

I have done it (BEFORE 2010)

I not only took my jewelry to stores, but it is currently being sold in 3! Many more to come too... it feels wonderful :) GO ME!!!

more books to own

ANYTHING WRITTEN BY Ron Mehl honestly!!!
http://www.allbookstores.com/author/Ron_Mehl.html
They WILL change your life.

jewelry sales

Well as you may have heard I have had much success recently with my jewelry. It started from a dare... my brother and I talk every other week about accountability. We each pick something we want to work on. A few weeks ago mine was my jewelry. I have not given it much thought for a while and I mentioned that. Well Eric dared me to take it into at least two stores before the next week (it was already Thursday) instead of arguing with him and trying to explain all the work that is was going to take before I brought it to any stores... I just agreed went for it and now I am in three stores as of now I have 3-4 more that want my jewelry! SO on that note the Lord is answering my prayers and giving me strength, courage and support to go out there and put my product in the stores hands. We will see how they actually sell once in stores, but I did my part :) Oh and THANK YOU ERIC!!!

Thank you dear Jesus for being my friend, and my support. Thank you for knowing my heart and dreams and pushing me gently where you want me to go. You have given me skills and I want them to glorify you. I have so many more skills I have yet to put to use, I am in the process of that, please fill me with creativity and use me to make beautiful gifts that will bless people and bring cheer to their lives, especially in these economical times. I love you and I praise your name. Amen

praying for patience...

DUN DUN DUN... if you have ever prayed this prayer (for patience) you know what happens next is anything but pleasant. BUT that doesn't mean I am not gong to ask. Well the last two in a half weeks have been a major test and stretch of my patience. It is my own fault I have no one to blame but myself :)
I have recently started a new business, sounds simple maybe? Well it has not been. New website, business cards, invoices, product, time, energy, love... oh and did I mention I was doing all of this while still taking on my full time job of mom, wife, housekeeper, meal maker, and friend! I lost my mind last night, the pressure got to me and I cried my eyes out. But it got me to a new perspective and I learned a ton. So I am proud to say that today is a new day and I am a new mom, if Pais could talk she would agree :)
I have a new business site that is still in a skeleton form but you can take a peak at convincedbytraci.etsy.com also I have built a group site and monthly gatherings for other handmade artists as a way of connecting and succeeding together. (Our pastor is always talking about how God is a God of connections) I am finding my calling and feeling the Lord along side me the whole way. It has been very exciting, all of my personality traits and God given gifts are finding a common thread and working for me! Oh yeh, you can find that at handmadegatherings.blogspot.com
I am learning growing and becoming successful like never before, in my business ventures, mom experiences and life in general. Thank you all for the continued support, it is always appreciated :)
With love, Traci (the new and improved)

Freed To Be Healed

February 1st, 2009
Matthew 18:15-35

- When you find yourself offended, go to the one who offended you. Let them know that they offended you. Don't go around telling everyone else of how they have offended you, go to the source.

- when you hold on to an offense, you become the problem.

- The Lord has blessings for your heart and life, when you hold on to offenses you are putting up walls keeping those out.

- verse 35 in Matthew 18
God has destined us for greatness don't get caught up and dragged down by not forgiving.
As many times as we have been forgiven, it would be hypocritical to not forgive others.
Practice faith and forgiveness always.

- Mark 11
- 1 Peter 3
- Matthew 6
- James 5 13-16

- Luke 37-38 reminds us that we set our own measuring line.
It is human to not forgive, judge, hold on to offenses and wrongs done towards us, our heavenly Father can change that. The measure you use on others will be used on you.

- Refuse to be the victim. see Genesis 50:20
Give it to the Lord, do not hold on to it and allow yourself to be the victim. The Lord will use it for his good.

- Remember that they are human, pray that you can see them through God's eyes.

- Remember that God is just, God sees the wrongs and He will right them, therefore there is no need to hold on to it yourself. Pray for those who hurt you!

Acomplishment numero uno (BEFORE 2010)

Well sort of ;)
So I have completed 1 out of 10 books that I WILL read before 2010!!! I read The Shack and well it changed my life. In so many ways, I have written about it so I can go back and reflect on the lessons I learned and love I felt from God. I feel so much passion towards the Lord more than ever before, and better yet, I feel His passion for me beating through me. I feel that is several ways, I feel Him and His passion for me and for life and everything that encompasses literally going through me and using it or me as a tool to spark passion into and through others. So to get a picture of it you might see a wind made of lights passing through me and embracing others and then returning to me but starting a new burst of lights in those touched. (sorry if I sound crazy) Then I also have Him and His passion beaming inside of me like my own little battery pack of energy, peace, love and hope that He packaged up just for me like a very special gift that only He can give me. I am also seeing more around me than before, whether it is little miracles that the Lord orchestrated or the animals and trees and everything working together in perfect harmony... either way you slice it my life is already shaping up and I am getting that much closer to "being Traci" and I could not be happier!

more Shack lessons and...

I am continuing to read the Shack, I am almost finished. I really need to get new glasses though, I keep getting headaches and seeing very blurry pages after about a half an hour!!! UGH Otherwise I could have been done with this book by now. However, it has made me slow down and take everything I can from this book and all that it has to offer, so some good is comng out of being lazy and putting off an eye exam :)
last night in my readings I came across this quote for starters "God is a verb"- Buckminster Fuller
In chapter 14 page 195 the middle of the page Sarayu (God) is saying to Mack "For you to know or not," she exclaimed, "has nothing at all to do with whether I am actually here or not. I am always with you; sometimes I want you to be aware in a special way- more intentional." That really hit home with me. I know in my heart and everything that I have that God is always with me. I appreciate that He wants me to know at special times that He is VERY present. Growing up so many times He has revealed Himself to me that He and His presence are with me and that I am not alone. Whether entering into battles of all sorts or just being alone in the moment, He has shown Himself and reflecting back on that gives me a simple tingle of the spine and a a bit of a knock on the brain as to say, how many times has He been trying to tell you He is here with you and I may have not heard Him. So going forward I pray that I am more in tune and deep in my relationship with my Heavenly Father that when He calls me or shows Himself to me in all sorts of different circumstances that I will be listening and ready!

A couple pages further and God is helping Mack to understand that he is afraid of his emotions, and Mack asked God if He created all emotions or "...just the good ones?"
Paradigms power perception and perceptions power emotions. (Paradigms as per the dictionary: A set of assumptions, concepts, values, and practices that constitutes a way of viewing reality for the community that shares them, especially in an intellectual discipline.) Most emotions are responses to perception- what you think is true about a given situation. If your perception is false, then your emotional response to it will be false too. So check your perceptions, and beyond that check the truthfulness of your paradigms-what you believe. Just because you believe something firmly doesn't make it true. Be willing to reexamine what you believe. The more you live in truth, the more your emotions will help you to see clearly. But even then, you don't want to trust them more than ME. (God)
Next They continue the conversation and God says this to Mack... "Mack, religion is about having the right answers, and some of their answers are right. But I am about the process that takes you to the LIVING ANSWER and once you get to him, he will change you from the inside. There are a lot of smart people who are able to say a lot of right things from their brain because they have been told what the right answers are, but they don't know me at all. So really, how can their answers be right even if they are right, if you understand my drift? So even though they might be right they are still wrong."
Needless to say this book has reopened my eyes in many way, and in other ways... well opened them truly to My God and what He wants for my life.

Lessons from The Shack

Jan. 23rd, 2009
Last night we had dinner with some friends of ours and good conversation. When we left my mind was racing, I am not exactly sure why, non the less it was racing, racing so much that I could not sit down and watch TV to relax. So I went to bed and felt like reading. I grabbed the nearest book. I believe that the Lord was patiently waiting for me to pick up this book again. I feel that there is so much in this book He wants me to learn and take to heart. So I got comfy in bed, found the place where I left off from and began reading. That is when it happened. The Lord drew near and followed along with me while I read. As I was reading I was suddenly feeling this book in my heart. I am not sure if I can explain how it felt, but I will give it a try. It was similar to the feeling you get when you have a vivid dream and then wake up from it and feel confused as to whether is was actually a dream or might have possibly happened in real life... the Lord I serve can do all things. I believe He has no limits and cares for me very much enough to bring a book into my life to better help explain and bring to life just how much He cares for me. This book is doing just that. Last night I learned first hand while (I believe) reading a book alongside my Heavenly Father.
(Chapter 10 of The Shack by WM Paul Young) Jesus takes Mack out to the edge of the dock and asks him to walk with Him. Mack hesitates when we realizes that Jesus wants him to walk out on the water with Him.... they begin to have a conversation about the past present and future and Jesus explains this (reminder that this is not scripture so it is not factual in any way it is a story of fiction, BUT this sat well with me and I personally feel this is pretty close to how Jesus thinks) that most people live in the past or the future and not the present. He (Jesus explains to Mack) dwells in the present. Although many things can be learned from the past and looking back but only for a short while not a long stay. Jesus tells Mack that the the future is most often dictated by fear of some kind, rarely if ever picturing Jesus along side.
I personally tend to live in the future. I am a planner. I like to know what is just around the corner so that I can be ready for whatever is coming good bad or otherwise. I want to be prepared and ready to take on anything and everything. I often sit and daydream about the future and plans that have been made, I go through all scenarios of what could happen and what I will do if they go wrong. This extensive planning is great when going camping or on a trip, but the rest of time it is not. I think the Lord was telling me that I am need to live in the present. I need to quit trying to save myself and my family and instead live in the future enjoying my family. The Lord shared with me to quite trying to take the reigns, once I pray and hand them over quit reaching over and taking them right back! Once we truly know how much the Lord loves us then we can believe and fully trust Him with our lives. I am slowly but surely learning JUST how much the Lord loves me. How much passion and concern He has for my life. Because of this new knowledge, my heart is that much more tender to the Lord and His will for my life. Learning that my ultimate calling at this point in my life is to be the best Mom and wife that I can be for my family. They are my passion and my goal, knowing that I am not in this alone but have the help of my Heavenly Father makes me that much more passionate and excited to "get to work" everyday! I love my life, I love my family and most importantly I love My Heavenly Father because He first loved ME!!!

passes to Disneyland

To some this may sound shallow... but to us the gift of premium Disneyland passes that we so humbly received from my Aunt Teri and parents were a huge blessing.
it allows Jason and I a free date night as long as we can find a babysitter. It allows us a free place to get away as a family. It lets me and Pais have something fun and new to go do besides walk around the mall! We can go with other people when they come to visit or if they live here and have passes too... all in all it is a huge blessing we never saw coming and we are so so thankful for it!

recap on 2008

Well I sure wish I was doing this before because 2008 was a huge year for us as a family. God answered so many prayers and so many people went through a lot of those tests with us, in the end many people knew the Lord was at work in our lives.
From what I can think of currently that the Lord answered in 2008:
*Every month month that we lived in California the Lord has brought a miracle to us allowing us to make rent, each month a different obstacle and then a different miracle that we could have never seen coming.
*Money blessings from different friends and family members at different times. We never asked, quite possibly mentioned our scenario at a certain time (roommates coming and going/Dr. bills popping up/ unforeseen bills coming up at horrible moments... to name a few) but never asked, and so many people have just mailed or "snuck into our garage" you know who you are... leaving us generous amounts of money.
*Places to live at prices unheard of with perks we could not of even imagined or prayed for.
*Friends new and old sharing their lives with us at times I personally needed it most.
*Good health
*A consistent job for Jason
*A new church
I could go on but these are what come to mind for now...
The Lord orchestrated all of the instances and the glory goes to Him.
Thank you dear lord for your faithfulness and love. MUAH

Ephesians 2 8-10

Ephesians 2 8-10 (one of my favorite and heavily highlighted passages)
For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith- and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God- not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

That No Man May Boast

January 4th, 2009
Judges 6-8

My Notes:
So much in life does not depend on us, God has created us and mapped out our life before we were even born. So to take it on our shoulders allowing stress and or the pride of doing it yourself is just silly and not what God intended for us...

Ephesians 2 8-10 (one of my favorite and heavily highlighted passages)
For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith- and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God- not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

Our focus needs to be on God once it shifts our point of view shifts the weight falls back on us.

It is by God's grace, and God's grace alone.

Judges 6
Where Israel is brought low and humbled and God tests Gideon. Gideon is talking to God "...My clan is the weakest in Manasseh, and I am the least in my family..." It does not matter your appearance, your size or your position here on earth. God has a plan for your life that is all that matters. Are you on track to hear when God asks something of you and reveals things that He has been doing in your life to give Him glory?

James 4:13-17 Now listen you who say" today or tomorrow we will go to this city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, "It it's the Lord's will, we will do this or that." As it is, you boast and brag. All such boasting is evil. Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins.

One thing were taught to add to our vocabulary growing up was "the Lord's will be done" when praying or just talking about the future. As a mother, wife and woman that loves the Lord I feel this: As for me and my house we will pray about everything, be anxious for nothing and ask that the Lord's will be done in all circumstances in our lives to bring Glory to Him. That is not always easy, and it is not always the very first quote that comes to mind, I am not going to lie. BUT in every circumstance, once I get my head out of my a** I am able to hear the gentle nudge from the Lord reminding me to give it back to Him... once I do of course He swoops in taking back control and beautiful miracles happen.

See past blogs for some examples and lessons learned...

Pnuemonia saved my life

Thursday, September 27, 2007


Pnuemonia saved my life

I am just getting over a painful and horrific week of twists and turns of every sort. Finances, family, babies changing continuously, pnuemonia and everything that brings with it, being alone through another tough time with out any family physically here to help, moving and everything that entails, dealing with personal demons, struggling to look in the mirror becuase I don't like what I see, that has been my week. But just like from past experiences in my life and there are many what doesn't kill makes you stronger. I am now ready to something about it. I first realized I was still carrying all of this responsiliblity on my shoulders. I let it go, I gave it to God and felt better instantly. Of course it is not that easy. There were some more realizations along the way. Everything happens for a reason, and though I am not saying I feel God made me get pnuemonia so I might actually stop for a week and slow down I am grateful that I could take advantage of my position and start now. I have had to be quarantined. Those of you that actually know me this is my biggest down fall. I need people, I need my daughter, and I need my husband. I am very capable but I would rather do it all with them around me. In my time to ponder the universe with my mind I kept running into the fact that I never have time to pray I never have time to walk the dog I never have time to eat more fruit or go take photos or draw or read a book. I dont have time becuase I dont make time. The truth is I choose what I do with my time and no one else. I need to make the choice to wake up and walk the dog and enjoy the life I am blessed with. All of this opportunity as a stay at home to slow down and enjoy life. I dont have to be somewhere at a certain time everyday so enjoy have a cup of coffee (decaf or I will go nuts) and sit and just be thankful for everything around me. As my mind began to wonder off again like the branches of some gorgeous tree from a storybook hillside I hit on the fact that when we move into our larger place with better immenities and such that life will be better I tell myself. When I think back to many cermons Pastor Ron preached. "If you aren't happy in one pasture you wont be happy in the next. You must learn to be happy in the current pasture (situation) before moving on to enjoy the next. Otherwise you WILL just find yourself going around in circles unitl you figure it out." So I looked around my room I was stuck in. Suddenly as I looked around with a different approach to everything it all became much brighter. We are blessed and fortunate enough to own everything that is in our place. We OWN a house full of furniture and nice stuff to be thankful for. Not everyone can say that. We have all the interior to make a house a home it could be a lot worse! When we move next month this will all be showcased properly and life will be decluttered. I am also working on decluttering my life in other ways. Enjoying one thing at a time and not multi tasking when I dont have to. I am not in a rush. The more I slow down and I am able to look around at the beauty around me life is so much more pleasant. I am so much more pleasant. I am not picking myself apart. I am enjoying and focusing on my husband and what I can do for him. What new things my daughter and I can explore and enjoy together. What I can do on our budget to bless our friends and family. While slowing down other areas that needed tending to came up and where addressed. Friendships were mended and others are blossoming because I am giving it what it deserves. Including a love/love realationship with myself. I am glad that I was able to get out of my circle it was really riding thin. Plus I could really use some new scenary. Now I can just look back and giggle. I can cry some happy tears and move forward carrying my new outlook with me. The real test will begin when I can get out of bed and get back to normal, well my new normal. but I am ready to approach the challenge only this time it is not my foot prints you will see in front. I dont know the real purpose of a blog I just feel it is a place you can write down how you feel if someone wants to read it great. Well I had to learn this one the hard way and I thought maybe someone else somewhere is feeling the same way too. So if you are I hope that you found your way to my blog and maybe you got some answers. Maybe you are even more confused. Either way I am writing this to remind myself when life gets going too fast again to come back to this so I dont have to do it the hard way. So I learned that I need to give it to God. I need to slow down. I need to take time for myself and "as for me and my house we will serve the Lord." If you arent doing this please try it what can it hurt. By doing all of the above I feel better and alive again encouraged to take it on I pray you will too.

great appreciation

Sunday, May 11, 2008


great appreciation
Current mood: adored

Today is mother's day. My second mother's day now officially being a Mom. I am sitting here just pinching myself that I should be so lucky to have been blessed with such an amazing family. My husband is SO HOT, faithful, strong and my best friend. My daughter is SO CUTE sometimes she borders on gross... she has the sweetest heart and loves making people smile even at one. She is my second best friend. Everyday is a challenge and we are no different than any other newer families. I would like to thank my parents for raising me the way that they did. (Jason's too) We both may have tried to take our own routes for a few years through high school and got lost, but always knew we had a place in God's arms. I know for a fact that I personally have made the Lord cry a few tears because of some poor choices. But thanks to His grace, I am forgiven. I have moved on with my life and here we are raising a beautiful family and taking every chance to give God the praise for it all. This Mother's day I am reflecting on everything that I have to be thankful for and what I hope to pass on to my family, through example.
Always keep your childlike faith.
Always put God first.
Work hard.
Play hard.
But work hard first...
Smile and laugh every chance you can get.
Never take anything too seriously.

This Mother's day I could not be more thankful. I am making a point to be the best example I can be. Stay positive through it all and love others for who they are!
Happy Mother's day!!!

Lifes hard lessons

Wednesday, August 27, 2008


Lifes hard lessons
Current mood: peaceful

Lifes hard lessons... everyone goes through them. Everyone deals with troubles, heartache, and stress throughout their lives. It is what we do before during and after those tests that make us who we are. I grew up drinking and doing drugs in an attempt to ignore many of those tests. I have tried staying too busy to notice some tests that I might not want to face. I have to admitt I have even tried placing blame on others at times to detour around a test.
Today I woke up feeling overwhelmed, defeated and confused thanks to my current test. This one is not disappearing so easily... today I decided I would face this test head on. My first reaction was to fight back and lower myself to this person (who is apparently my test) and tell him how I feel. I felt justified because of the way that he has been treating me, my family and our kindness. As I responded to his appaling email, I was expecting to feel the burden gone and feel better for finally telling him how I feel and putting him in his place! But before I could push send I had a rock in my heart (that is what happens when I am not listening to God and trying to take the wheel and do it my way) Thankfully I paid attention to that rock, stepped back and called on a friend who I trust and respect. By the end of my phone call to this third party I felt a clearer vision of my situation. It is always hard to look at yourself in the mirror and really address and or change things about yourself. But hard or not it was time I nipped this one and moved one.
Today I learned the difference between sticking up for myself and or my family while still doing what is right. It is hard to swallow your pride and be nice when the person you are showing the kindness to does nothing but throw drama and attempts for conflict in your face. Today I learned to not take people and their actions so personal. I realized the next time that someone hurts me I need to step back from the situation and evaluate whether it is directed at me or if that is just the type of person you are dealing with. On top of everything else something I have always struggled with was telling people how I really feel (and feel that I am being true to myself) while maintaining my character that I have worked so hard to be proud of. Today I did it, I took all of the advice and lessons I have learned and retained over the years and put them to good use. I responded but stayed true to myself, my character and still held him accountable. I did not think it was possible to do it all at the same time.
Tomorrow of course could be another test, but this time I will be ready to go through it with God by my side BEFORE I get overwhelmed and try it my way 20 times :)
I ended by praying for him, as hard as it was. I really ment it and I have never felt better. My mind is clear and focused. My heart is strong and happy. My smile is back and the weight off my shoulders is slowly but surely disappearing.
aaaaaggggghhhhhh (long sigh) moving on now and going forward with God in front!
I highly suggest confronting your tests and getting them over with. If not they will only come back bigger and badder. If and when you confront them with God by your side it is much more rewarding. PRAY TRUST & LEARN through lifes hard lessons and just see what God will do for you and through you ...
Current mood: peaceful

stepping out of my box

Tuesday, November 11, 2008


stepping out of my box
Current mood: encouraged
Category: encouraged Goals, Plans, Hopes

Personally I this retreat thing was all new to me. When I was asked I of course said yes, then as it got closer and more real I tried to back out. I have and always been a tom-boy and therefore do not do well in situations surrounded by women and women only! I prayed about it and felt compelled to go even knowing I would be sharing a hotel room with 4 women and be surrounded by 80 other women throughout the three days. Then when I had decided I was willing to go the entire amount of the weekend was gifted by someone unknown. (around $250) I knew then that the Lord specifically wanted me there.
Jason took off Friday so that he could watch Pais and I drove myself and 5 other
girls. It started rough, I had a horrible tension headache and to be honest could barely drive... we got there ate dinner and got settled in our rooms. I was blessed with perfect roomies. Two of which I already knew and the third I did not. The second I met her I realized she was everything everyone said she was. WONDERFUL!
The entire weekend was appropriately titled A Diamond In the Rough "uncovering the value of your life" The Lord knew I needed some huge help in this area. I know I am blessed with a wonderful husband who is getting better and better each day taking care of me and Pais, and of course Paisley is wonderful too, DUH! But realizing that I, Me, Traci Kenitzer... was valuable.
I have so much that I learned and took home with me from my weekend but I want to share a lot of it. So here is a scattering of things that spoke to me enough to write in my journal and maybe they will to you too?

Diamonds are : indestructable, hold under pressure, sparkle and draw others near to see the inner beauty
Diamonds start from coal and when applied the right amount of pressure turn into a valuable diamond.
Each test that the Lord puts me through is to put pressure on me to make me His diamond.

Treasures are not to be found with out sweat
Ask for wisdom to understand and know what the hard circumstances are or were for
Wisdom is given by God, He is the only way to true life
see Job 28 1-28

At one point the speaker asked us to write down why we feel we are here this weekend. Here is what I wrote.
The Lord called me here. He chose me to be here this weekend because He has a wonderful plan for my life.

In our weakness He is strong and He will be glorified!

We are already diamonds we just need to be uncovered and shine like a diamond
see Isiah 43:18
God unclogs our lives to let the light shine through reflecting more beautiful things of God... we just have to look and ask!

God wastes no moment, no tribulation, no test happens with out reason. Remember and know that the Lord loves you and chooses you for each trial. Taking you with Him to that next level.
Give me more lord and shine through me!!! Lord I write this to you, faith is something that I was born with. Childlike faith is my specialty. Recently whether lazy or not making the time I have not put God first. I am feeling the pressure to do so. He deserves my all and I truely deeply want to give it to Him. I want to constantly give my all to Him, keeping the door of my heart open to the blessings and miracles that he has for me. I do not want to leave any of my boxes in heaven full. (Ron Mehl used to say that he pictured an area in heaven where there were rooms with boxes. Everyones name was on a box, each box contained all of the blessing that God had intended for each of us before we were even born. That when we get to heaven the Lord will sit down with us and go over our box or boxes showing us all of the miracles He had waiting up here for us that we just never asked) I want to show Paisley and Jason how good it is when you make that choice and follow through with it, daily. It is time, God has chosen me, I am answering the call and going to go forward continually hand in hand with My Lord, My God. I love you so much and more...
Love Traci

see Psalms 107 1-43
it explains that some are wanderers, some are prisoners, some are fools and other are merchants. I stood when she asked who of us consider ourselves wanderers.
in the Psalms it says this of the wanderer "Some wandered in desert wastelands, finding no way to a city where they could settle,they were hungry and thirsty... Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble and He delivered them from their distress. He led them by a straight way to a city where they could settle. Let them give thanks to the lord for His unfailing love and His wonderful deeds for men, for He satisfies the thirsty and fills the hungry with good things. (Psalms 107 4-9)
I am a wanderer my heart is crying out to be belong and find my place, to feel love... Gods love is the only love that can satisfy me and fulfill me. I know that now!

God is in control.
Fear is OK, it is natural. It is what you do with that fear...
1. what am I going to do? How will I react?
-What comes out of you when you are squeezed? It is what is truly inside of you.
-learn to be happy out in the deep
-let things get out of control
we are not called to live in fear
2. what are you going to do when you are in trouble?
-stand up in courage
-risk walking into the unknown
-you were specifically called to live on the edge, being an example for those who are still afraid to
-live life leaning so far on God that if He was to move you would fall flat on your face, that is real faith (Ron Mehl)

I am a wanderer. But I am created to be a leader. I will take that gift and make the most of my past present and my future!
I will live by faith, be known by love and lead by wisdom.

The Lord giveth and the lord taketh away but blessed be the name of the Lord

Matthew 13:44 The kingdom of heaven is like a treasure hidden in a field. When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field.
He bought that field because he knew the value of it. My life is a field.

let go of the reigns truly be ready and willing to live unbalanced, only then will the Lord have control.

Don't wait to know your worth before you step out. If you wait for everything to be "perfect" or lined up you are waisting time that you could be blessing others and be receiving blessings God has in heaven waiting to grant you.
see 2 corinthians 3,4,5

My personal goals: (please help hold me accountable)
-stop waiting until I feel loved to love others.
-stop waiting to be "rich" to bless others
-stop waiting for a place of comfort to comfort others.
leave my selfishness behind, stand up strong in My Lord, courageous and in prayer touch those who the lord has put on my heart!
Also
Surrender the things that take up my time. Take a fine tooth comb over my day picking out the things I know do not need to be there.
Great freedom comes from great sacrifice
God is faithful, know that God is around the corner waiting, that is all I need to know.

thank you for reading this, I know it was long. I am just so happy to have take so much away from this experience. I will gladly be signing up for the next one. I have many more stories that I might share if i get a chance, but over all it was amazing!
Love Traci

saying good-bye to a best friend...

Thursday, November 20, 2008


saying good-bye to a best friend...
Current mood: heartbroken

Saying good bye is hard, and to be honest something I have never mastered. Last night was the first night with out our dog Isa. We are moving into a smaller place this weekend and we wanted her to have more than we were able to give her. She went to a great home, and is getting taken care of, actually spoiled!
Last night I found myself crying myself to sleep going over all the times we had with Isa. The day that we brought her home in feet of snow back in Bend, OR. The camping trips she kept us warm on and was our entertainment back in OR. Taking her everywhere we went except work back in OR oh did she love that. Then our move to CA she looked backwards over half of the 18 hour move South. Then while I was on bed rest the last few months of my pregnancy, she literally lived on my stomach at all hours of the day. Then when we brought Paisley home it all changed. We were unfortunately not the best dog parents anymore, primarily focusing on Pais. We took her to dog parks and walked her every once in awhile. Then once Pais was old enough to get around, Isa followed her everywhere. My favorite moments and most missed are the ones just watching Isa and Paisley run around the house giggling and playing together. They were suddenly best friends. Even though we know Isa had a love hate relationship with Pais. We don't blame her though since Pais did take her place in a way. Yet she was still so good with everyone. There was never a dog or human that she didn't love and want all of their attention. She gave us a sense of security. She was a lap dog at heart and she wouldn't even hurt a fly.
In all, we loved her very deeply and still do, she just won't be living with us anymore. She has already left a huge void in our home and hearts. We will attempt to find a new pet as a Christmas present for Pais to fill some of this void. It will be big shoes to fill though.
Time will heal all wounds, and like everything, this too shall pass. I am doing what I can to comfort myself and my family during this heartbreaking transition. Please pray for our hearts and more importantly Isa to be comforted through this huge transition that she is going through and that her new family will make her feel even more loved then we ever could.
Isa we love you and will forever miss you more then you will ever know. Love, Jason Traci and Paisley

The Christmas season officially broke me down...

Monday, December 22, 2008


The Christmas season officially broke me down...
Current mood: crappy

I am a mother and wife among many other things...
Recently I have been feeling many feelings on the outside, for example: It is the Christmas season and I have been busy blessing others (that makes me happy) We have had some rainy days. (that makes me happy) My daughter is learning a ton. (that makes me happy) My husband and I have been able to work on our communication since we do not have any roommates. (that makes me happy)
But even while all of these wonderful things (and plenty more) have been happening, internally my feelings have not been matching up. Internally I am feeling sad and lonely. Part of me misses the familiarity that only Oregon can give me. Parts of me are realizing (since we have been away for so long now) that there are so many things and lives that I am missing out on. Lives I wish I was around to touch and and be touched by. Voids in my life and heart are causing me to question myself and my abilities, as a mother (this one is really getting me lately) as a friend and as a humble daughter to my heavenly father. I am not sure if my head is just not in the right place or if there is something deeper I am not seeing... this time of reflection is helping me get through some of it. I guess I grew up in world that I created. I was able to do that because I was not directly responsible for any other human being. Now that I am getting older and responsible for more and more human beings, my pretend world that I had created to feel safe and loved at all times no matter what, are violently crashing down around me. I am finding myself looking in the mirror unsure of who I am anymore and asking questions like, can I be a "wonderful" mother, wife and friend and still be the Traci that I have grown to love. Because when I see that "wonderful" mother and wife I really truely don't recognize myself... that is scary. If you have ever felt that you understand what I am saying. I find myself looking at what others have and wishing we had that even just a little of it. I am not talking about worldly possessions, I am finding myself jealous that others live so close and do not even take advantage of it. That others have family to physically rely on for both babysitting and just spending time with one another... and do not even know what they have. Don't get me wrong, I have a ton to be thankful for and the Lord above knows that I am. There are still things that my heart has been longing for and it is breaking me down. As I am sitting here crying typing this out best I can, I am reminded of a few songs. This song always brings comfort and clearer vision, but this day inparticular is bringing me joy and PRAISE. I am seeing now that those walls I so strongly built up were not mine to build. Those things I am longing for are not mine to cry over. That unless I am truely happy from the inside (which only God can give me when I ask) Then no things worldly or not will "make me happy". I am still going to dream of those things that I feel I am missing out on, but in the mean time I am going to fill my heart and my time with the Lord and His will. He must have us here so far away from everything I find so comforting for a reason. I trust He will use us where we are for His glory and in the meantime I am going to hold close these songs that bring me tears comfort and PRAISE...

EVERYTHING
God in my living
There in my breathing
God in my waking

God in my sleeping
God in my resting
There in my working
God in my thinking
God in my speaking

Be my everything
Be my everything
Be my everything
Be my everything

God in my hoping
There in my dreaming
God in my wathcing
God in my waiting
God in my laughing
There in my weeping
God in my hurting
God in my healing

Christ in me
Christ in me
Christ in me the hope of glory
You are everything

Christ in me
Christ in me
Christ in me the hope of glory
Be my everything

You are everything
Jesus, Everything





UNFAILING LOVE
You have my heart
And I am Yours forever
You are my strength
God of grace and power

And everything You hold in Your hand
Still You make time for me
I can't understand
Praise You God of Earth and sky
How beautiful is Your unfailing love
Unfailing love

And You never change God You remain
The Holy One
My unfailing love
Unfailing love

You are my rock
The one I hold on to
You are my song
And I sing for You




FROM THE INSIDE OUT
A thousand times I've failed
Still your mercy remains
And should I stumble again
Still I'm caught in your grace

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
In my heart, in my soul, Lord I give you control
Consume me from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise become my embrace
To love You from the inside out

Your will above all else, my purpose remains
The art of losing myself in bringing you praise

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
In my heart, in my soul, Lord I give you control
Consume me from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise become my embrace
To love You from the inside out

You can see all of these songs and so many more on youtube (for free) and sing along with the lyrics...

Books to inspire and uplift

When Wallflowers Dance: Becoming a Woman of Righteous Confidence - Angela Thomas

The Mission of Motherhood: Touching Your Child's Heart for Eternity - Sally Clarkson

The Ministry of Motherhood: Following Christ's Example in Reaching the Hearts of Our Children - Sally Clarkson

The Love Dare - Stephen Kendrick

Do You Think I'm Beautiful? - Angela Thomas

A Beautiful Offering: Returning God's Love with Your Life- Angela Thomas

Grace-Based Parenting by Tim Kimmel

Tender Mercy For A Mother's Soul by Angela Thomas

Unfailing Love

Open The Eyes Of My Heart

How Great Is Our God

Here I Am To Worship

Shout To The Lord

Inside Out

Mighty To Save

Be My Everything