The Christmas season officially broke me down...

Monday, December 22, 2008


The Christmas season officially broke me down...
Current mood: crappy

I am a mother and wife among many other things...
Recently I have been feeling many feelings on the outside, for example: It is the Christmas season and I have been busy blessing others (that makes me happy) We have had some rainy days. (that makes me happy) My daughter is learning a ton. (that makes me happy) My husband and I have been able to work on our communication since we do not have any roommates. (that makes me happy)
But even while all of these wonderful things (and plenty more) have been happening, internally my feelings have not been matching up. Internally I am feeling sad and lonely. Part of me misses the familiarity that only Oregon can give me. Parts of me are realizing (since we have been away for so long now) that there are so many things and lives that I am missing out on. Lives I wish I was around to touch and and be touched by. Voids in my life and heart are causing me to question myself and my abilities, as a mother (this one is really getting me lately) as a friend and as a humble daughter to my heavenly father. I am not sure if my head is just not in the right place or if there is something deeper I am not seeing... this time of reflection is helping me get through some of it. I guess I grew up in world that I created. I was able to do that because I was not directly responsible for any other human being. Now that I am getting older and responsible for more and more human beings, my pretend world that I had created to feel safe and loved at all times no matter what, are violently crashing down around me. I am finding myself looking in the mirror unsure of who I am anymore and asking questions like, can I be a "wonderful" mother, wife and friend and still be the Traci that I have grown to love. Because when I see that "wonderful" mother and wife I really truely don't recognize myself... that is scary. If you have ever felt that you understand what I am saying. I find myself looking at what others have and wishing we had that even just a little of it. I am not talking about worldly possessions, I am finding myself jealous that others live so close and do not even take advantage of it. That others have family to physically rely on for both babysitting and just spending time with one another... and do not even know what they have. Don't get me wrong, I have a ton to be thankful for and the Lord above knows that I am. There are still things that my heart has been longing for and it is breaking me down. As I am sitting here crying typing this out best I can, I am reminded of a few songs. This song always brings comfort and clearer vision, but this day inparticular is bringing me joy and PRAISE. I am seeing now that those walls I so strongly built up were not mine to build. Those things I am longing for are not mine to cry over. That unless I am truely happy from the inside (which only God can give me when I ask) Then no things worldly or not will "make me happy". I am still going to dream of those things that I feel I am missing out on, but in the mean time I am going to fill my heart and my time with the Lord and His will. He must have us here so far away from everything I find so comforting for a reason. I trust He will use us where we are for His glory and in the meantime I am going to hold close these songs that bring me tears comfort and PRAISE...

EVERYTHING
God in my living
There in my breathing
God in my waking

God in my sleeping
God in my resting
There in my working
God in my thinking
God in my speaking

Be my everything
Be my everything
Be my everything
Be my everything

God in my hoping
There in my dreaming
God in my wathcing
God in my waiting
God in my laughing
There in my weeping
God in my hurting
God in my healing

Christ in me
Christ in me
Christ in me the hope of glory
You are everything

Christ in me
Christ in me
Christ in me the hope of glory
Be my everything

You are everything
Jesus, Everything





UNFAILING LOVE
You have my heart
And I am Yours forever
You are my strength
God of grace and power

And everything You hold in Your hand
Still You make time for me
I can't understand
Praise You God of Earth and sky
How beautiful is Your unfailing love
Unfailing love

And You never change God You remain
The Holy One
My unfailing love
Unfailing love

You are my rock
The one I hold on to
You are my song
And I sing for You




FROM THE INSIDE OUT
A thousand times I've failed
Still your mercy remains
And should I stumble again
Still I'm caught in your grace

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
In my heart, in my soul, Lord I give you control
Consume me from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise become my embrace
To love You from the inside out

Your will above all else, my purpose remains
The art of losing myself in bringing you praise

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
In my heart, in my soul, Lord I give you control
Consume me from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise become my embrace
To love You from the inside out

You can see all of these songs and so many more on youtube (for free) and sing along with the lyrics...