Wabi-sabi is a set of ancient Japanese principles that center on celebrating and finding beauty in the imperfect and unconventional. Wabi is new, fresh and unfinished, while sabi is beauty that comes with age, wisdom and use.
HA, I would consider that ME in a nut shell... ugh oh a new tattoo :)
Friday, May 29, 2009
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Agape Love
Agape love
Agape love is the love God sheds abroad in the hearts of his children. It is the same love Jesus gives freely to us. It is unconditional. It is not based on performance or even whether it is returned. It is a love that gives even when rejected.
More on this topic at another time...
Agape love is the love God sheds abroad in the hearts of his children. It is the same love Jesus gives freely to us. It is unconditional. It is not based on performance or even whether it is returned. It is a love that gives even when rejected.
More on this topic at another time...
Friday, May 1, 2009
Letting go, with help
Well I am not exactly sure how to word this. BUT it needs to be known. Lately the Lord has been very alive in our home. Jason has been on fire to read and know the word (the Bible) and has even inspired me along the way. We even take turns reading to each other each night before bed, and the Lord is bringing all sorts of new topics for us to talk about like never before. We started marriage counseling a few weeks ago. Everything was "fine" in our marriage, nothing to worry about, but we knew it could be more than just fine and we were ready to make the changes, for us and for Paisley. We belong to a church that has literally saved our lives. For me, after growing up in the presence and teaching of Ron Mehl (Ron Mehl the great, in my mind) I was spoiled. When he passed I thought there was no way I could ever find the leadership and Godliness that Ron empowered. For years I was right. But recently the Lord has brought us to a new church called The Bridge. It has really changed our lives and our family dynamic. We gladly and excitedly attend every Sunday, now bringing our visitors instead of using them as an excuse not to get up for church. Since moving to a new church the Lord has put me in a womens group that meets every other week. This group is very real and no more gossiping or pure venting, instead real things are happening in all of our marriages and families.
So now that you are some what up to date on our lives in Southern California... here comes the deep stuff. This may be news to some people. BUT Jason and I both have a drinking problem. We each have a different problem and have been "struggling" but ignoring the fact for many years. I personally have been drinking heavily and consistently since I was 13. I had my time with some drugs along the way back in high school and just out of high school days, with pot and cocaine. I was addicted to both at one point. Even as far as to selling cocaine... I know this may hurt a some of you who "raised" me but it is true and I am not one to hide my past, but instead learn from it. Sorry if this is embarrassing or upsetting but it is real. I was blessed to never get killed or kill anyone else during those times with the dumb and careless decisions I was making while on the drugs. (mostly just driving myself an others while intoxicated and even being pulled over multiple times but not getting caught) The Lord spared me more than I will ever know. I am not looking forward for that day in Heaven when He shows me all He spared me from and all that I deserved but He saved me from. It will be an emotional day... but I can only blame myself. Back to the alcohol. Alcohol is addicting just like the drugs were. The "problem" is that alcohol is socially exceptable. It is easier to hide (so we thought) as an obvious addiction. Over the past 6 months I can personally look back and see all the times the Lord was putting on my heart that I had a problem. Alcohol is not bad, in fact there is nothing wrong with alcohol, just like guns, it is the one holding the alcohol that has the power to make it a good thing or a bad thing. In my case I was abusing alcohol. I tried controlling the amount and how often Jason and I were drinking it. For example, we were each drinking at the LEAST 2 shots (of hard liquor) and 3 beers 5 nights a week and on the weekends, even more than that. (again for some of you this may be a surprise and others you already knew) I am small and young but have a huge tolerance for alcohol, for what ever reason... so I am not exaggerating and obviously this was a problem. We however never felt it was a problem. We each took turns justifying that "we are't getting drunk" or "look at Pais we are obviously good parents" and many more similar excuses to continue consuming massive amounts of alcohol. The Lord had had enough. He put it on my heart that we had to let alcohol become a problem in our household. I unfortunately and selfishly ignored His pleas... I briefly brought it up to Jason and it was met with much resistance. I used my husbands resistance as an excuse not to let go of alcohol and to attempt to control the amount we were intaking. Of course I already had a problem and was quite deep in it. So taking it on by myself was a joke and a waste of time. We ended up drinking even more! The Lord patiently and softly did not give up on me. One night I could not sleep and it was weighing on my heart very strongly. I brought it up to Jason very sheepishly, that I felt that the Lord wants me to give up alcohol all together. Completely stop. Jason thought I was crazy (I do not blame him, this was a HUGE change in our home and lifestyle, for him it was sudden and out of the blue) I went out into the living room and just cried, knowing what I needed to do, but honestly not thrilled at the idea of completely quiting. The Lord touched my heart and filled the voids that night. But no surprise, I got scared and uncomfortable and stopped for a few days, then decided to enjoy a beer feeling that I deserved one. (after all I gave it up for a new nights!) (HA!) So the following night was Monday night and I was meeting up with the ladies from my womens group. I rehearsed to myself over and over the whole car trip there, "Do not tell them about the alcohol, they won't understand, they will hold you accountable and you wont be able to keep working it out on your own, you will have them helping you" (that was the last thing that I wanted) Well the group talked about different points we were reading in our book. The next chapter that we talked about was titled "I sin a lot" the first question we talked about was "what sin has a strong hold in your life right now" Internally I was shouting out, but the rest of my insides were drowning at the thought of just letting it out in the open. I secretly (so I thought) looked around the room as a battle was going on inside of my head, when Jan a woman in our group was staring right at me... who knows for how long. She said, "Oh, Traci do you have something to say?" OH Sh** was honestly the next thing that went through my head... then all of the sudden I was spewing out everything I was going through and how I keep ignoring the Lords plea and was scared and EVERYTHING! In my head I was saying "oh great here we go! Your life is over, and you SAID you wouldn't tell them!" Then all I could do was cry. I was finally NOT in control. The Lord quit whispering and stepped in, (THANK GOD) not only did 4 other women know about my problem, but they were all ready to hold me accountable and encourage me. Then on top of that, they were huddled around me with their hands on me praying words of the Lord, full of encouragement, love, passion, God's will, and insight... my life was changed after the first prayer and there were still 3 more women to pray! We followed that by a talk that including Jason and him also stopping, a few of them knowing his personal battle with alcohol too. I said that he will not be a fan if he even agrees in the first place. I went home and prayed for him, and every night since, while continuing to NOT drink any alcohol. A few nights later I brought it up to Jason that I felt the Lord wanted him to stop as well, for himself, for me and for our family. He responded with much defense (again I do not blame him, the Lord speaks to each of us differently and in His timing) I had to trust that the Lord would have His way in Jason's heart on his own timing, not MY timing. I stepped back telling Jason and the Lord that this was not my battle to fight, that this was the Lord's. We went to bed not speaking. The following evening Jason came home and said "we need to talk" I was so scared he was going to say anything beside what actually came out of his mouth... He explained that all morning the Lord was weighing on his heart and that he was very emotional (Jason was allowing the Lord to show him what he wanted for Jason) Jason explained that he was ready and willing to give up alcohol completely too. The Lord had put on his heart reasons that made sense to him why it would benefit him to let go of alcohol as well.
So with the Lords help we are going forward with out alcohol in our life. As I said before it was a habit and a lifestyle for us. So each day is going to be a new adventure, but as it says in Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me.
I just wanted this out in the open. Please keep us accountable, and encourage us, we need it. We have made a hard decision to strengthen ourselves, our relationship (both our marriage and our marriage with our Heavenly Father) also and very importantly to be MUCH better parents and examples for the beautiful daughter that God has blessed us with.
Please feel free to email us with any questions or anything you may be feeling, we are out in the open about this, it is no secret. (any longer) Also, if you have any Bible verses that could help us in this change of lifestyle, we would greatly appreciate it. Of course prayers of praise to the Lord above is in order and prayers for continued help is always needed as well.
Thank you for your love and support. We appreciate and love you all, God bless
Love Traci and Jason
So now that you are some what up to date on our lives in Southern California... here comes the deep stuff. This may be news to some people. BUT Jason and I both have a drinking problem. We each have a different problem and have been "struggling" but ignoring the fact for many years. I personally have been drinking heavily and consistently since I was 13. I had my time with some drugs along the way back in high school and just out of high school days, with pot and cocaine. I was addicted to both at one point. Even as far as to selling cocaine... I know this may hurt a some of you who "raised" me but it is true and I am not one to hide my past, but instead learn from it. Sorry if this is embarrassing or upsetting but it is real. I was blessed to never get killed or kill anyone else during those times with the dumb and careless decisions I was making while on the drugs. (mostly just driving myself an others while intoxicated and even being pulled over multiple times but not getting caught) The Lord spared me more than I will ever know. I am not looking forward for that day in Heaven when He shows me all He spared me from and all that I deserved but He saved me from. It will be an emotional day... but I can only blame myself. Back to the alcohol. Alcohol is addicting just like the drugs were. The "problem" is that alcohol is socially exceptable. It is easier to hide (so we thought) as an obvious addiction. Over the past 6 months I can personally look back and see all the times the Lord was putting on my heart that I had a problem. Alcohol is not bad, in fact there is nothing wrong with alcohol, just like guns, it is the one holding the alcohol that has the power to make it a good thing or a bad thing. In my case I was abusing alcohol. I tried controlling the amount and how often Jason and I were drinking it. For example, we were each drinking at the LEAST 2 shots (of hard liquor) and 3 beers 5 nights a week and on the weekends, even more than that. (again for some of you this may be a surprise and others you already knew) I am small and young but have a huge tolerance for alcohol, for what ever reason... so I am not exaggerating and obviously this was a problem. We however never felt it was a problem. We each took turns justifying that "we are't getting drunk" or "look at Pais we are obviously good parents" and many more similar excuses to continue consuming massive amounts of alcohol. The Lord had had enough. He put it on my heart that we had to let alcohol become a problem in our household. I unfortunately and selfishly ignored His pleas... I briefly brought it up to Jason and it was met with much resistance. I used my husbands resistance as an excuse not to let go of alcohol and to attempt to control the amount we were intaking. Of course I already had a problem and was quite deep in it. So taking it on by myself was a joke and a waste of time. We ended up drinking even more! The Lord patiently and softly did not give up on me. One night I could not sleep and it was weighing on my heart very strongly. I brought it up to Jason very sheepishly, that I felt that the Lord wants me to give up alcohol all together. Completely stop. Jason thought I was crazy (I do not blame him, this was a HUGE change in our home and lifestyle, for him it was sudden and out of the blue) I went out into the living room and just cried, knowing what I needed to do, but honestly not thrilled at the idea of completely quiting. The Lord touched my heart and filled the voids that night. But no surprise, I got scared and uncomfortable and stopped for a few days, then decided to enjoy a beer feeling that I deserved one. (after all I gave it up for a new nights!) (HA!) So the following night was Monday night and I was meeting up with the ladies from my womens group. I rehearsed to myself over and over the whole car trip there, "Do not tell them about the alcohol, they won't understand, they will hold you accountable and you wont be able to keep working it out on your own, you will have them helping you" (that was the last thing that I wanted) Well the group talked about different points we were reading in our book. The next chapter that we talked about was titled "I sin a lot" the first question we talked about was "what sin has a strong hold in your life right now" Internally I was shouting out, but the rest of my insides were drowning at the thought of just letting it out in the open. I secretly (so I thought) looked around the room as a battle was going on inside of my head, when Jan a woman in our group was staring right at me... who knows for how long. She said, "Oh, Traci do you have something to say?" OH Sh** was honestly the next thing that went through my head... then all of the sudden I was spewing out everything I was going through and how I keep ignoring the Lords plea and was scared and EVERYTHING! In my head I was saying "oh great here we go! Your life is over, and you SAID you wouldn't tell them!" Then all I could do was cry. I was finally NOT in control. The Lord quit whispering and stepped in, (THANK GOD) not only did 4 other women know about my problem, but they were all ready to hold me accountable and encourage me. Then on top of that, they were huddled around me with their hands on me praying words of the Lord, full of encouragement, love, passion, God's will, and insight... my life was changed after the first prayer and there were still 3 more women to pray! We followed that by a talk that including Jason and him also stopping, a few of them knowing his personal battle with alcohol too. I said that he will not be a fan if he even agrees in the first place. I went home and prayed for him, and every night since, while continuing to NOT drink any alcohol. A few nights later I brought it up to Jason that I felt the Lord wanted him to stop as well, for himself, for me and for our family. He responded with much defense (again I do not blame him, the Lord speaks to each of us differently and in His timing) I had to trust that the Lord would have His way in Jason's heart on his own timing, not MY timing. I stepped back telling Jason and the Lord that this was not my battle to fight, that this was the Lord's. We went to bed not speaking. The following evening Jason came home and said "we need to talk" I was so scared he was going to say anything beside what actually came out of his mouth... He explained that all morning the Lord was weighing on his heart and that he was very emotional (Jason was allowing the Lord to show him what he wanted for Jason) Jason explained that he was ready and willing to give up alcohol completely too. The Lord had put on his heart reasons that made sense to him why it would benefit him to let go of alcohol as well.
So with the Lords help we are going forward with out alcohol in our life. As I said before it was a habit and a lifestyle for us. So each day is going to be a new adventure, but as it says in Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me.
I just wanted this out in the open. Please keep us accountable, and encourage us, we need it. We have made a hard decision to strengthen ourselves, our relationship (both our marriage and our marriage with our Heavenly Father) also and very importantly to be MUCH better parents and examples for the beautiful daughter that God has blessed us with.
Please feel free to email us with any questions or anything you may be feeling, we are out in the open about this, it is no secret. (any longer) Also, if you have any Bible verses that could help us in this change of lifestyle, we would greatly appreciate it. Of course prayers of praise to the Lord above is in order and prayers for continued help is always needed as well.
Thank you for your love and support. We appreciate and love you all, God bless
Love Traci and Jason
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