Well sort of ;)
So I have completed 1 out of 10 books that I WILL read before 2010!!! I read The Shack and well it changed my life. In so many ways, I have written about it so I can go back and reflect on the lessons I learned and love I felt from God. I feel so much passion towards the Lord more than ever before, and better yet, I feel His passion for me beating through me. I feel that is several ways, I feel Him and His passion for me and for life and everything that encompasses literally going through me and using it or me as a tool to spark passion into and through others. So to get a picture of it you might see a wind made of lights passing through me and embracing others and then returning to me but starting a new burst of lights in those touched. (sorry if I sound crazy) Then I also have Him and His passion beaming inside of me like my own little battery pack of energy, peace, love and hope that He packaged up just for me like a very special gift that only He can give me. I am also seeing more around me than before, whether it is little miracles that the Lord orchestrated or the animals and trees and everything working together in perfect harmony... either way you slice it my life is already shaping up and I am getting that much closer to "being Traci" and I could not be happier!
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
more Shack lessons and...
I am continuing to read the Shack, I am almost finished. I really need to get new glasses though, I keep getting headaches and seeing very blurry pages after about a half an hour!!! UGH Otherwise I could have been done with this book by now. However, it has made me slow down and take everything I can from this book and all that it has to offer, so some good is comng out of being lazy and putting off an eye exam :)
last night in my readings I came across this quote for starters "God is a verb"- Buckminster Fuller
In chapter 14 page 195 the middle of the page Sarayu (God) is saying to Mack "For you to know or not," she exclaimed, "has nothing at all to do with whether I am actually here or not. I am always with you; sometimes I want you to be aware in a special way- more intentional." That really hit home with me. I know in my heart and everything that I have that God is always with me. I appreciate that He wants me to know at special times that He is VERY present. Growing up so many times He has revealed Himself to me that He and His presence are with me and that I am not alone. Whether entering into battles of all sorts or just being alone in the moment, He has shown Himself and reflecting back on that gives me a simple tingle of the spine and a a bit of a knock on the brain as to say, how many times has He been trying to tell you He is here with you and I may have not heard Him. So going forward I pray that I am more in tune and deep in my relationship with my Heavenly Father that when He calls me or shows Himself to me in all sorts of different circumstances that I will be listening and ready!
A couple pages further and God is helping Mack to understand that he is afraid of his emotions, and Mack asked God if He created all emotions or "...just the good ones?"
Paradigms power perception and perceptions power emotions. (Paradigms as per the dictionary: A set of assumptions, concepts, values, and practices that constitutes a way of viewing reality for the community that shares them, especially in an intellectual discipline.) Most emotions are responses to perception- what you think is true about a given situation. If your perception is false, then your emotional response to it will be false too. So check your perceptions, and beyond that check the truthfulness of your paradigms-what you believe. Just because you believe something firmly doesn't make it true. Be willing to reexamine what you believe. The more you live in truth, the more your emotions will help you to see clearly. But even then, you don't want to trust them more than ME. (God)
Next They continue the conversation and God says this to Mack... "Mack, religion is about having the right answers, and some of their answers are right. But I am about the process that takes you to the LIVING ANSWER and once you get to him, he will change you from the inside. There are a lot of smart people who are able to say a lot of right things from their brain because they have been told what the right answers are, but they don't know me at all. So really, how can their answers be right even if they are right, if you understand my drift? So even though they might be right they are still wrong."
Needless to say this book has reopened my eyes in many way, and in other ways... well opened them truly to My God and what He wants for my life.
last night in my readings I came across this quote for starters "God is a verb"- Buckminster Fuller
In chapter 14 page 195 the middle of the page Sarayu (God) is saying to Mack "For you to know or not," she exclaimed, "has nothing at all to do with whether I am actually here or not. I am always with you; sometimes I want you to be aware in a special way- more intentional." That really hit home with me. I know in my heart and everything that I have that God is always with me. I appreciate that He wants me to know at special times that He is VERY present. Growing up so many times He has revealed Himself to me that He and His presence are with me and that I am not alone. Whether entering into battles of all sorts or just being alone in the moment, He has shown Himself and reflecting back on that gives me a simple tingle of the spine and a a bit of a knock on the brain as to say, how many times has He been trying to tell you He is here with you and I may have not heard Him. So going forward I pray that I am more in tune and deep in my relationship with my Heavenly Father that when He calls me or shows Himself to me in all sorts of different circumstances that I will be listening and ready!
A couple pages further and God is helping Mack to understand that he is afraid of his emotions, and Mack asked God if He created all emotions or "...just the good ones?"
Paradigms power perception and perceptions power emotions. (Paradigms as per the dictionary: A set of assumptions, concepts, values, and practices that constitutes a way of viewing reality for the community that shares them, especially in an intellectual discipline.) Most emotions are responses to perception- what you think is true about a given situation. If your perception is false, then your emotional response to it will be false too. So check your perceptions, and beyond that check the truthfulness of your paradigms-what you believe. Just because you believe something firmly doesn't make it true. Be willing to reexamine what you believe. The more you live in truth, the more your emotions will help you to see clearly. But even then, you don't want to trust them more than ME. (God)
Next They continue the conversation and God says this to Mack... "Mack, religion is about having the right answers, and some of their answers are right. But I am about the process that takes you to the LIVING ANSWER and once you get to him, he will change you from the inside. There are a lot of smart people who are able to say a lot of right things from their brain because they have been told what the right answers are, but they don't know me at all. So really, how can their answers be right even if they are right, if you understand my drift? So even though they might be right they are still wrong."
Needless to say this book has reopened my eyes in many way, and in other ways... well opened them truly to My God and what He wants for my life.
Friday, January 23, 2009
Lessons from The Shack
Jan. 23rd, 2009
Last night we had dinner with some friends of ours and good conversation. When we left my mind was racing, I am not exactly sure why, non the less it was racing, racing so much that I could not sit down and watch TV to relax. So I went to bed and felt like reading. I grabbed the nearest book. I believe that the Lord was patiently waiting for me to pick up this book again. I feel that there is so much in this book He wants me to learn and take to heart. So I got comfy in bed, found the place where I left off from and began reading. That is when it happened. The Lord drew near and followed along with me while I read. As I was reading I was suddenly feeling this book in my heart. I am not sure if I can explain how it felt, but I will give it a try. It was similar to the feeling you get when you have a vivid dream and then wake up from it and feel confused as to whether is was actually a dream or might have possibly happened in real life... the Lord I serve can do all things. I believe He has no limits and cares for me very much enough to bring a book into my life to better help explain and bring to life just how much He cares for me. This book is doing just that. Last night I learned first hand while (I believe) reading a book alongside my Heavenly Father.
(Chapter 10 of The Shack by WM Paul Young) Jesus takes Mack out to the edge of the dock and asks him to walk with Him. Mack hesitates when we realizes that Jesus wants him to walk out on the water with Him.... they begin to have a conversation about the past present and future and Jesus explains this (reminder that this is not scripture so it is not factual in any way it is a story of fiction, BUT this sat well with me and I personally feel this is pretty close to how Jesus thinks) that most people live in the past or the future and not the present. He (Jesus explains to Mack) dwells in the present. Although many things can be learned from the past and looking back but only for a short while not a long stay. Jesus tells Mack that the the future is most often dictated by fear of some kind, rarely if ever picturing Jesus along side.
I personally tend to live in the future. I am a planner. I like to know what is just around the corner so that I can be ready for whatever is coming good bad or otherwise. I want to be prepared and ready to take on anything and everything. I often sit and daydream about the future and plans that have been made, I go through all scenarios of what could happen and what I will do if they go wrong. This extensive planning is great when going camping or on a trip, but the rest of time it is not. I think the Lord was telling me that I am need to live in the present. I need to quit trying to save myself and my family and instead live in the future enjoying my family. The Lord shared with me to quite trying to take the reigns, once I pray and hand them over quit reaching over and taking them right back! Once we truly know how much the Lord loves us then we can believe and fully trust Him with our lives. I am slowly but surely learning JUST how much the Lord loves me. How much passion and concern He has for my life. Because of this new knowledge, my heart is that much more tender to the Lord and His will for my life. Learning that my ultimate calling at this point in my life is to be the best Mom and wife that I can be for my family. They are my passion and my goal, knowing that I am not in this alone but have the help of my Heavenly Father makes me that much more passionate and excited to "get to work" everyday! I love my life, I love my family and most importantly I love My Heavenly Father because He first loved ME!!!
Last night we had dinner with some friends of ours and good conversation. When we left my mind was racing, I am not exactly sure why, non the less it was racing, racing so much that I could not sit down and watch TV to relax. So I went to bed and felt like reading. I grabbed the nearest book. I believe that the Lord was patiently waiting for me to pick up this book again. I feel that there is so much in this book He wants me to learn and take to heart. So I got comfy in bed, found the place where I left off from and began reading. That is when it happened. The Lord drew near and followed along with me while I read. As I was reading I was suddenly feeling this book in my heart. I am not sure if I can explain how it felt, but I will give it a try. It was similar to the feeling you get when you have a vivid dream and then wake up from it and feel confused as to whether is was actually a dream or might have possibly happened in real life... the Lord I serve can do all things. I believe He has no limits and cares for me very much enough to bring a book into my life to better help explain and bring to life just how much He cares for me. This book is doing just that. Last night I learned first hand while (I believe) reading a book alongside my Heavenly Father.
(Chapter 10 of The Shack by WM Paul Young) Jesus takes Mack out to the edge of the dock and asks him to walk with Him. Mack hesitates when we realizes that Jesus wants him to walk out on the water with Him.... they begin to have a conversation about the past present and future and Jesus explains this (reminder that this is not scripture so it is not factual in any way it is a story of fiction, BUT this sat well with me and I personally feel this is pretty close to how Jesus thinks) that most people live in the past or the future and not the present. He (Jesus explains to Mack) dwells in the present. Although many things can be learned from the past and looking back but only for a short while not a long stay. Jesus tells Mack that the the future is most often dictated by fear of some kind, rarely if ever picturing Jesus along side.
I personally tend to live in the future. I am a planner. I like to know what is just around the corner so that I can be ready for whatever is coming good bad or otherwise. I want to be prepared and ready to take on anything and everything. I often sit and daydream about the future and plans that have been made, I go through all scenarios of what could happen and what I will do if they go wrong. This extensive planning is great when going camping or on a trip, but the rest of time it is not. I think the Lord was telling me that I am need to live in the present. I need to quit trying to save myself and my family and instead live in the future enjoying my family. The Lord shared with me to quite trying to take the reigns, once I pray and hand them over quit reaching over and taking them right back! Once we truly know how much the Lord loves us then we can believe and fully trust Him with our lives. I am slowly but surely learning JUST how much the Lord loves me. How much passion and concern He has for my life. Because of this new knowledge, my heart is that much more tender to the Lord and His will for my life. Learning that my ultimate calling at this point in my life is to be the best Mom and wife that I can be for my family. They are my passion and my goal, knowing that I am not in this alone but have the help of my Heavenly Father makes me that much more passionate and excited to "get to work" everyday! I love my life, I love my family and most importantly I love My Heavenly Father because He first loved ME!!!
Monday, January 5, 2009
passes to Disneyland
To some this may sound shallow... but to us the gift of premium Disneyland passes that we so humbly received from my Aunt Teri and parents were a huge blessing.
it allows Jason and I a free date night as long as we can find a babysitter. It allows us a free place to get away as a family. It lets me and Pais have something fun and new to go do besides walk around the mall! We can go with other people when they come to visit or if they live here and have passes too... all in all it is a huge blessing we never saw coming and we are so so thankful for it!
it allows Jason and I a free date night as long as we can find a babysitter. It allows us a free place to get away as a family. It lets me and Pais have something fun and new to go do besides walk around the mall! We can go with other people when they come to visit or if they live here and have passes too... all in all it is a huge blessing we never saw coming and we are so so thankful for it!
recap on 2008
Well I sure wish I was doing this before because 2008 was a huge year for us as a family. God answered so many prayers and so many people went through a lot of those tests with us, in the end many people knew the Lord was at work in our lives.
From what I can think of currently that the Lord answered in 2008:
*Every month month that we lived in California the Lord has brought a miracle to us allowing us to make rent, each month a different obstacle and then a different miracle that we could have never seen coming.
*Money blessings from different friends and family members at different times. We never asked, quite possibly mentioned our scenario at a certain time (roommates coming and going/Dr. bills popping up/ unforeseen bills coming up at horrible moments... to name a few) but never asked, and so many people have just mailed or "snuck into our garage" you know who you are... leaving us generous amounts of money.
*Places to live at prices unheard of with perks we could not of even imagined or prayed for.
*Friends new and old sharing their lives with us at times I personally needed it most.
*Good health
*A consistent job for Jason
*A new church
I could go on but these are what come to mind for now...
The Lord orchestrated all of the instances and the glory goes to Him.
Thank you dear lord for your faithfulness and love. MUAH
From what I can think of currently that the Lord answered in 2008:
*Every month month that we lived in California the Lord has brought a miracle to us allowing us to make rent, each month a different obstacle and then a different miracle that we could have never seen coming.
*Money blessings from different friends and family members at different times. We never asked, quite possibly mentioned our scenario at a certain time (roommates coming and going/Dr. bills popping up/ unforeseen bills coming up at horrible moments... to name a few) but never asked, and so many people have just mailed or "snuck into our garage" you know who you are... leaving us generous amounts of money.
*Places to live at prices unheard of with perks we could not of even imagined or prayed for.
*Friends new and old sharing their lives with us at times I personally needed it most.
*Good health
*A consistent job for Jason
*A new church
I could go on but these are what come to mind for now...
The Lord orchestrated all of the instances and the glory goes to Him.
Thank you dear lord for your faithfulness and love. MUAH
Ephesians 2 8-10
Ephesians 2 8-10 (one of my favorite and heavily highlighted passages)
For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith- and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God- not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.
For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith- and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God- not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.
That No Man May Boast
January 4th, 2009
Judges 6-8
My Notes:
So much in life does not depend on us, God has created us and mapped out our life before we were even born. So to take it on our shoulders allowing stress and or the pride of doing it yourself is just silly and not what God intended for us...
Ephesians 2 8-10 (one of my favorite and heavily highlighted passages)
For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith- and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God- not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.
Our focus needs to be on God once it shifts our point of view shifts the weight falls back on us.
It is by God's grace, and God's grace alone.
Judges 6
Where Israel is brought low and humbled and God tests Gideon. Gideon is talking to God "...My clan is the weakest in Manasseh, and I am the least in my family..." It does not matter your appearance, your size or your position here on earth. God has a plan for your life that is all that matters. Are you on track to hear when God asks something of you and reveals things that He has been doing in your life to give Him glory?
James 4:13-17 Now listen you who say" today or tomorrow we will go to this city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, "It it's the Lord's will, we will do this or that." As it is, you boast and brag. All such boasting is evil. Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins.
One thing were taught to add to our vocabulary growing up was "the Lord's will be done" when praying or just talking about the future. As a mother, wife and woman that loves the Lord I feel this: As for me and my house we will pray about everything, be anxious for nothing and ask that the Lord's will be done in all circumstances in our lives to bring Glory to Him. That is not always easy, and it is not always the very first quote that comes to mind, I am not going to lie. BUT in every circumstance, once I get my head out of my a** I am able to hear the gentle nudge from the Lord reminding me to give it back to Him... once I do of course He swoops in taking back control and beautiful miracles happen.
See past blogs for some examples and lessons learned...
Judges 6-8
My Notes:
So much in life does not depend on us, God has created us and mapped out our life before we were even born. So to take it on our shoulders allowing stress and or the pride of doing it yourself is just silly and not what God intended for us...
Ephesians 2 8-10 (one of my favorite and heavily highlighted passages)
For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith- and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God- not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.
Our focus needs to be on God once it shifts our point of view shifts the weight falls back on us.
It is by God's grace, and God's grace alone.
Judges 6
Where Israel is brought low and humbled and God tests Gideon. Gideon is talking to God "...My clan is the weakest in Manasseh, and I am the least in my family..." It does not matter your appearance, your size or your position here on earth. God has a plan for your life that is all that matters. Are you on track to hear when God asks something of you and reveals things that He has been doing in your life to give Him glory?
James 4:13-17 Now listen you who say" today or tomorrow we will go to this city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, "It it's the Lord's will, we will do this or that." As it is, you boast and brag. All such boasting is evil. Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins.
One thing were taught to add to our vocabulary growing up was "the Lord's will be done" when praying or just talking about the future. As a mother, wife and woman that loves the Lord I feel this: As for me and my house we will pray about everything, be anxious for nothing and ask that the Lord's will be done in all circumstances in our lives to bring Glory to Him. That is not always easy, and it is not always the very first quote that comes to mind, I am not going to lie. BUT in every circumstance, once I get my head out of my a** I am able to hear the gentle nudge from the Lord reminding me to give it back to Him... once I do of course He swoops in taking back control and beautiful miracles happen.
See past blogs for some examples and lessons learned...
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Pnuemonia saved my life
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Pnuemonia saved my life
I am just getting over a painful and horrific week of twists and turns of every sort. Finances, family, babies changing continuously, pnuemonia and everything that brings with it, being alone through another tough time with out any family physically here to help, moving and everything that entails, dealing with personal demons, struggling to look in the mirror becuase I don't like what I see, that has been my week. But just like from past experiences in my life and there are many what doesn't kill makes you stronger. I am now ready to something about it. I first realized I was still carrying all of this responsiliblity on my shoulders. I let it go, I gave it to God and felt better instantly. Of course it is not that easy. There were some more realizations along the way. Everything happens for a reason, and though I am not saying I feel God made me get pnuemonia so I might actually stop for a week and slow down I am grateful that I could take advantage of my position and start now. I have had to be quarantined. Those of you that actually know me this is my biggest down fall. I need people, I need my daughter, and I need my husband. I am very capable but I would rather do it all with them around me. In my time to ponder the universe with my mind I kept running into the fact that I never have time to pray I never have time to walk the dog I never have time to eat more fruit or go take photos or draw or read a book. I dont have time becuase I dont make time. The truth is I choose what I do with my time and no one else. I need to make the choice to wake up and walk the dog and enjoy the life I am blessed with. All of this opportunity as a stay at home to slow down and enjoy life. I dont have to be somewhere at a certain time everyday so enjoy have a cup of coffee (decaf or I will go nuts) and sit and just be thankful for everything around me. As my mind began to wonder off again like the branches of some gorgeous tree from a storybook hillside I hit on the fact that when we move into our larger place with better immenities and such that life will be better I tell myself. When I think back to many cermons Pastor Ron preached. "If you aren't happy in one pasture you wont be happy in the next. You must learn to be happy in the current pasture (situation) before moving on to enjoy the next. Otherwise you WILL just find yourself going around in circles unitl you figure it out." So I looked around my room I was stuck in. Suddenly as I looked around with a different approach to everything it all became much brighter. We are blessed and fortunate enough to own everything that is in our place. We OWN a house full of furniture and nice stuff to be thankful for. Not everyone can say that. We have all the interior to make a house a home it could be a lot worse! When we move next month this will all be showcased properly and life will be decluttered. I am also working on decluttering my life in other ways. Enjoying one thing at a time and not multi tasking when I dont have to. I am not in a rush. The more I slow down and I am able to look around at the beauty around me life is so much more pleasant. I am so much more pleasant. I am not picking myself apart. I am enjoying and focusing on my husband and what I can do for him. What new things my daughter and I can explore and enjoy together. What I can do on our budget to bless our friends and family. While slowing down other areas that needed tending to came up and where addressed. Friendships were mended and others are blossoming because I am giving it what it deserves. Including a love/love realationship with myself. I am glad that I was able to get out of my circle it was really riding thin. Plus I could really use some new scenary. Now I can just look back and giggle. I can cry some happy tears and move forward carrying my new outlook with me. The real test will begin when I can get out of bed and get back to normal, well my new normal. but I am ready to approach the challenge only this time it is not my foot prints you will see in front. I dont know the real purpose of a blog I just feel it is a place you can write down how you feel if someone wants to read it great. Well I had to learn this one the hard way and I thought maybe someone else somewhere is feeling the same way too. So if you are I hope that you found your way to my blog and maybe you got some answers. Maybe you are even more confused. Either way I am writing this to remind myself when life gets going too fast again to come back to this so I dont have to do it the hard way. So I learned that I need to give it to God. I need to slow down. I need to take time for myself and "as for me and my house we will serve the Lord." If you arent doing this please try it what can it hurt. By doing all of the above I feel better and alive again encouraged to take it on I pray you will too.
Pnuemonia saved my life
I am just getting over a painful and horrific week of twists and turns of every sort. Finances, family, babies changing continuously, pnuemonia and everything that brings with it, being alone through another tough time with out any family physically here to help, moving and everything that entails, dealing with personal demons, struggling to look in the mirror becuase I don't like what I see, that has been my week. But just like from past experiences in my life and there are many what doesn't kill makes you stronger. I am now ready to something about it. I first realized I was still carrying all of this responsiliblity on my shoulders. I let it go, I gave it to God and felt better instantly. Of course it is not that easy. There were some more realizations along the way. Everything happens for a reason, and though I am not saying I feel God made me get pnuemonia so I might actually stop for a week and slow down I am grateful that I could take advantage of my position and start now. I have had to be quarantined. Those of you that actually know me this is my biggest down fall. I need people, I need my daughter, and I need my husband. I am very capable but I would rather do it all with them around me. In my time to ponder the universe with my mind I kept running into the fact that I never have time to pray I never have time to walk the dog I never have time to eat more fruit or go take photos or draw or read a book. I dont have time becuase I dont make time. The truth is I choose what I do with my time and no one else. I need to make the choice to wake up and walk the dog and enjoy the life I am blessed with. All of this opportunity as a stay at home to slow down and enjoy life. I dont have to be somewhere at a certain time everyday so enjoy have a cup of coffee (decaf or I will go nuts) and sit and just be thankful for everything around me. As my mind began to wonder off again like the branches of some gorgeous tree from a storybook hillside I hit on the fact that when we move into our larger place with better immenities and such that life will be better I tell myself. When I think back to many cermons Pastor Ron preached. "If you aren't happy in one pasture you wont be happy in the next. You must learn to be happy in the current pasture (situation) before moving on to enjoy the next. Otherwise you WILL just find yourself going around in circles unitl you figure it out." So I looked around my room I was stuck in. Suddenly as I looked around with a different approach to everything it all became much brighter. We are blessed and fortunate enough to own everything that is in our place. We OWN a house full of furniture and nice stuff to be thankful for. Not everyone can say that. We have all the interior to make a house a home it could be a lot worse! When we move next month this will all be showcased properly and life will be decluttered. I am also working on decluttering my life in other ways. Enjoying one thing at a time and not multi tasking when I dont have to. I am not in a rush. The more I slow down and I am able to look around at the beauty around me life is so much more pleasant. I am so much more pleasant. I am not picking myself apart. I am enjoying and focusing on my husband and what I can do for him. What new things my daughter and I can explore and enjoy together. What I can do on our budget to bless our friends and family. While slowing down other areas that needed tending to came up and where addressed. Friendships were mended and others are blossoming because I am giving it what it deserves. Including a love/love realationship with myself. I am glad that I was able to get out of my circle it was really riding thin. Plus I could really use some new scenary. Now I can just look back and giggle. I can cry some happy tears and move forward carrying my new outlook with me. The real test will begin when I can get out of bed and get back to normal, well my new normal. but I am ready to approach the challenge only this time it is not my foot prints you will see in front. I dont know the real purpose of a blog I just feel it is a place you can write down how you feel if someone wants to read it great. Well I had to learn this one the hard way and I thought maybe someone else somewhere is feeling the same way too. So if you are I hope that you found your way to my blog and maybe you got some answers. Maybe you are even more confused. Either way I am writing this to remind myself when life gets going too fast again to come back to this so I dont have to do it the hard way. So I learned that I need to give it to God. I need to slow down. I need to take time for myself and "as for me and my house we will serve the Lord." If you arent doing this please try it what can it hurt. By doing all of the above I feel better and alive again encouraged to take it on I pray you will too.
great appreciation
Sunday, May 11, 2008
great appreciation
Current mood: adored
Today is mother's day. My second mother's day now officially being a Mom. I am sitting here just pinching myself that I should be so lucky to have been blessed with such an amazing family. My husband is SO HOT, faithful, strong and my best friend. My daughter is SO CUTE sometimes she borders on gross... she has the sweetest heart and loves making people smile even at one. She is my second best friend. Everyday is a challenge and we are no different than any other newer families. I would like to thank my parents for raising me the way that they did. (Jason's too) We both may have tried to take our own routes for a few years through high school and got lost, but always knew we had a place in God's arms. I know for a fact that I personally have made the Lord cry a few tears because of some poor choices. But thanks to His grace, I am forgiven. I have moved on with my life and here we are raising a beautiful family and taking every chance to give God the praise for it all. This Mother's day I am reflecting on everything that I have to be thankful for and what I hope to pass on to my family, through example.
Always keep your childlike faith.
Always put God first.
Work hard.
Play hard.
But work hard first...
Smile and laugh every chance you can get.
Never take anything too seriously.
This Mother's day I could not be more thankful. I am making a point to be the best example I can be. Stay positive through it all and love others for who they are!
Happy Mother's day!!!
great appreciation
Current mood: adored
Today is mother's day. My second mother's day now officially being a Mom. I am sitting here just pinching myself that I should be so lucky to have been blessed with such an amazing family. My husband is SO HOT, faithful, strong and my best friend. My daughter is SO CUTE sometimes she borders on gross... she has the sweetest heart and loves making people smile even at one. She is my second best friend. Everyday is a challenge and we are no different than any other newer families. I would like to thank my parents for raising me the way that they did. (Jason's too) We both may have tried to take our own routes for a few years through high school and got lost, but always knew we had a place in God's arms. I know for a fact that I personally have made the Lord cry a few tears because of some poor choices. But thanks to His grace, I am forgiven. I have moved on with my life and here we are raising a beautiful family and taking every chance to give God the praise for it all. This Mother's day I am reflecting on everything that I have to be thankful for and what I hope to pass on to my family, through example.
Always keep your childlike faith.
Always put God first.
Work hard.
Play hard.
But work hard first...
Smile and laugh every chance you can get.
Never take anything too seriously.
This Mother's day I could not be more thankful. I am making a point to be the best example I can be. Stay positive through it all and love others for who they are!
Happy Mother's day!!!
Lifes hard lessons
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Lifes hard lessons
Current mood: peaceful
Lifes hard lessons... everyone goes through them. Everyone deals with troubles, heartache, and stress throughout their lives. It is what we do before during and after those tests that make us who we are. I grew up drinking and doing drugs in an attempt to ignore many of those tests. I have tried staying too busy to notice some tests that I might not want to face. I have to admitt I have even tried placing blame on others at times to detour around a test.
Today I woke up feeling overwhelmed, defeated and confused thanks to my current test. This one is not disappearing so easily... today I decided I would face this test head on. My first reaction was to fight back and lower myself to this person (who is apparently my test) and tell him how I feel. I felt justified because of the way that he has been treating me, my family and our kindness. As I responded to his appaling email, I was expecting to feel the burden gone and feel better for finally telling him how I feel and putting him in his place! But before I could push send I had a rock in my heart (that is what happens when I am not listening to God and trying to take the wheel and do it my way) Thankfully I paid attention to that rock, stepped back and called on a friend who I trust and respect. By the end of my phone call to this third party I felt a clearer vision of my situation. It is always hard to look at yourself in the mirror and really address and or change things about yourself. But hard or not it was time I nipped this one and moved one.
Today I learned the difference between sticking up for myself and or my family while still doing what is right. It is hard to swallow your pride and be nice when the person you are showing the kindness to does nothing but throw drama and attempts for conflict in your face. Today I learned to not take people and their actions so personal. I realized the next time that someone hurts me I need to step back from the situation and evaluate whether it is directed at me or if that is just the type of person you are dealing with. On top of everything else something I have always struggled with was telling people how I really feel (and feel that I am being true to myself) while maintaining my character that I have worked so hard to be proud of. Today I did it, I took all of the advice and lessons I have learned and retained over the years and put them to good use. I responded but stayed true to myself, my character and still held him accountable. I did not think it was possible to do it all at the same time.
Tomorrow of course could be another test, but this time I will be ready to go through it with God by my side BEFORE I get overwhelmed and try it my way 20 times :)
I ended by praying for him, as hard as it was. I really ment it and I have never felt better. My mind is clear and focused. My heart is strong and happy. My smile is back and the weight off my shoulders is slowly but surely disappearing.
aaaaaggggghhhhhh (long sigh) moving on now and going forward with God in front!
I highly suggest confronting your tests and getting them over with. If not they will only come back bigger and badder. If and when you confront them with God by your side it is much more rewarding. PRAY TRUST & LEARN through lifes hard lessons and just see what God will do for you and through you ...
Current mood: peaceful
Lifes hard lessons
Current mood: peaceful
Lifes hard lessons... everyone goes through them. Everyone deals with troubles, heartache, and stress throughout their lives. It is what we do before during and after those tests that make us who we are. I grew up drinking and doing drugs in an attempt to ignore many of those tests. I have tried staying too busy to notice some tests that I might not want to face. I have to admitt I have even tried placing blame on others at times to detour around a test.
Today I woke up feeling overwhelmed, defeated and confused thanks to my current test. This one is not disappearing so easily... today I decided I would face this test head on. My first reaction was to fight back and lower myself to this person (who is apparently my test) and tell him how I feel. I felt justified because of the way that he has been treating me, my family and our kindness. As I responded to his appaling email, I was expecting to feel the burden gone and feel better for finally telling him how I feel and putting him in his place! But before I could push send I had a rock in my heart (that is what happens when I am not listening to God and trying to take the wheel and do it my way) Thankfully I paid attention to that rock, stepped back and called on a friend who I trust and respect. By the end of my phone call to this third party I felt a clearer vision of my situation. It is always hard to look at yourself in the mirror and really address and or change things about yourself. But hard or not it was time I nipped this one and moved one.
Today I learned the difference between sticking up for myself and or my family while still doing what is right. It is hard to swallow your pride and be nice when the person you are showing the kindness to does nothing but throw drama and attempts for conflict in your face. Today I learned to not take people and their actions so personal. I realized the next time that someone hurts me I need to step back from the situation and evaluate whether it is directed at me or if that is just the type of person you are dealing with. On top of everything else something I have always struggled with was telling people how I really feel (and feel that I am being true to myself) while maintaining my character that I have worked so hard to be proud of. Today I did it, I took all of the advice and lessons I have learned and retained over the years and put them to good use. I responded but stayed true to myself, my character and still held him accountable. I did not think it was possible to do it all at the same time.
Tomorrow of course could be another test, but this time I will be ready to go through it with God by my side BEFORE I get overwhelmed and try it my way 20 times :)
I ended by praying for him, as hard as it was. I really ment it and I have never felt better. My mind is clear and focused. My heart is strong and happy. My smile is back and the weight off my shoulders is slowly but surely disappearing.
aaaaaggggghhhhhh (long sigh) moving on now and going forward with God in front!
I highly suggest confronting your tests and getting them over with. If not they will only come back bigger and badder. If and when you confront them with God by your side it is much more rewarding. PRAY TRUST & LEARN through lifes hard lessons and just see what God will do for you and through you ...
Current mood: peaceful
stepping out of my box
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
stepping out of my box
Current mood: encouraged
Category: encouraged Goals, Plans, Hopes
Personally I this retreat thing was all new to me. When I was asked I of course said yes, then as it got closer and more real I tried to back out. I have and always been a tom-boy and therefore do not do well in situations surrounded by women and women only! I prayed about it and felt compelled to go even knowing I would be sharing a hotel room with 4 women and be surrounded by 80 other women throughout the three days. Then when I had decided I was willing to go the entire amount of the weekend was gifted by someone unknown. (around $250) I knew then that the Lord specifically wanted me there.
Jason took off Friday so that he could watch Pais and I drove myself and 5 other
girls. It started rough, I had a horrible tension headache and to be honest could barely drive... we got there ate dinner and got settled in our rooms. I was blessed with perfect roomies. Two of which I already knew and the third I did not. The second I met her I realized she was everything everyone said she was. WONDERFUL!
The entire weekend was appropriately titled A Diamond In the Rough "uncovering the value of your life" The Lord knew I needed some huge help in this area. I know I am blessed with a wonderful husband who is getting better and better each day taking care of me and Pais, and of course Paisley is wonderful too, DUH! But realizing that I, Me, Traci Kenitzer... was valuable.
I have so much that I learned and took home with me from my weekend but I want to share a lot of it. So here is a scattering of things that spoke to me enough to write in my journal and maybe they will to you too?
Diamonds are : indestructable, hold under pressure, sparkle and draw others near to see the inner beauty
Diamonds start from coal and when applied the right amount of pressure turn into a valuable diamond.
Each test that the Lord puts me through is to put pressure on me to make me His diamond.
Treasures are not to be found with out sweat
Ask for wisdom to understand and know what the hard circumstances are or were for
Wisdom is given by God, He is the only way to true life
see Job 28 1-28
At one point the speaker asked us to write down why we feel we are here this weekend. Here is what I wrote.
The Lord called me here. He chose me to be here this weekend because He has a wonderful plan for my life.
In our weakness He is strong and He will be glorified!
We are already diamonds we just need to be uncovered and shine like a diamond
see Isiah 43:18
God unclogs our lives to let the light shine through reflecting more beautiful things of God... we just have to look and ask!
God wastes no moment, no tribulation, no test happens with out reason. Remember and know that the Lord loves you and chooses you for each trial. Taking you with Him to that next level.
Give me more lord and shine through me!!! Lord I write this to you, faith is something that I was born with. Childlike faith is my specialty. Recently whether lazy or not making the time I have not put God first. I am feeling the pressure to do so. He deserves my all and I truely deeply want to give it to Him. I want to constantly give my all to Him, keeping the door of my heart open to the blessings and miracles that he has for me. I do not want to leave any of my boxes in heaven full. (Ron Mehl used to say that he pictured an area in heaven where there were rooms with boxes. Everyones name was on a box, each box contained all of the blessing that God had intended for each of us before we were even born. That when we get to heaven the Lord will sit down with us and go over our box or boxes showing us all of the miracles He had waiting up here for us that we just never asked) I want to show Paisley and Jason how good it is when you make that choice and follow through with it, daily. It is time, God has chosen me, I am answering the call and going to go forward continually hand in hand with My Lord, My God. I love you so much and more...
Love Traci
see Psalms 107 1-43
it explains that some are wanderers, some are prisoners, some are fools and other are merchants. I stood when she asked who of us consider ourselves wanderers.
in the Psalms it says this of the wanderer "Some wandered in desert wastelands, finding no way to a city where they could settle,they were hungry and thirsty... Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble and He delivered them from their distress. He led them by a straight way to a city where they could settle. Let them give thanks to the lord for His unfailing love and His wonderful deeds for men, for He satisfies the thirsty and fills the hungry with good things. (Psalms 107 4-9)
I am a wanderer my heart is crying out to be belong and find my place, to feel love... Gods love is the only love that can satisfy me and fulfill me. I know that now!
God is in control.
Fear is OK, it is natural. It is what you do with that fear...
1. what am I going to do? How will I react?
-What comes out of you when you are squeezed? It is what is truly inside of you.
-learn to be happy out in the deep
-let things get out of control
we are not called to live in fear
2. what are you going to do when you are in trouble?
-stand up in courage
-risk walking into the unknown
-you were specifically called to live on the edge, being an example for those who are still afraid to
-live life leaning so far on God that if He was to move you would fall flat on your face, that is real faith (Ron Mehl)
I am a wanderer. But I am created to be a leader. I will take that gift and make the most of my past present and my future!
I will live by faith, be known by love and lead by wisdom.
The Lord giveth and the lord taketh away but blessed be the name of the Lord
Matthew 13:44 The kingdom of heaven is like a treasure hidden in a field. When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field.
He bought that field because he knew the value of it. My life is a field.
let go of the reigns truly be ready and willing to live unbalanced, only then will the Lord have control.
Don't wait to know your worth before you step out. If you wait for everything to be "perfect" or lined up you are waisting time that you could be blessing others and be receiving blessings God has in heaven waiting to grant you.
see 2 corinthians 3,4,5
My personal goals: (please help hold me accountable)
-stop waiting until I feel loved to love others.
-stop waiting to be "rich" to bless others
-stop waiting for a place of comfort to comfort others.
leave my selfishness behind, stand up strong in My Lord, courageous and in prayer touch those who the lord has put on my heart!
Also
Surrender the things that take up my time. Take a fine tooth comb over my day picking out the things I know do not need to be there.
Great freedom comes from great sacrifice
God is faithful, know that God is around the corner waiting, that is all I need to know.
thank you for reading this, I know it was long. I am just so happy to have take so much away from this experience. I will gladly be signing up for the next one. I have many more stories that I might share if i get a chance, but over all it was amazing!
Love Traci
stepping out of my box
Current mood: encouraged
Category: encouraged Goals, Plans, Hopes
Personally I this retreat thing was all new to me. When I was asked I of course said yes, then as it got closer and more real I tried to back out. I have and always been a tom-boy and therefore do not do well in situations surrounded by women and women only! I prayed about it and felt compelled to go even knowing I would be sharing a hotel room with 4 women and be surrounded by 80 other women throughout the three days. Then when I had decided I was willing to go the entire amount of the weekend was gifted by someone unknown. (around $250) I knew then that the Lord specifically wanted me there.
Jason took off Friday so that he could watch Pais and I drove myself and 5 other
girls. It started rough, I had a horrible tension headache and to be honest could barely drive... we got there ate dinner and got settled in our rooms. I was blessed with perfect roomies. Two of which I already knew and the third I did not. The second I met her I realized she was everything everyone said she was. WONDERFUL!
The entire weekend was appropriately titled A Diamond In the Rough "uncovering the value of your life" The Lord knew I needed some huge help in this area. I know I am blessed with a wonderful husband who is getting better and better each day taking care of me and Pais, and of course Paisley is wonderful too, DUH! But realizing that I, Me, Traci Kenitzer... was valuable.
I have so much that I learned and took home with me from my weekend but I want to share a lot of it. So here is a scattering of things that spoke to me enough to write in my journal and maybe they will to you too?
Diamonds are : indestructable, hold under pressure, sparkle and draw others near to see the inner beauty
Diamonds start from coal and when applied the right amount of pressure turn into a valuable diamond.
Each test that the Lord puts me through is to put pressure on me to make me His diamond.
Treasures are not to be found with out sweat
Ask for wisdom to understand and know what the hard circumstances are or were for
Wisdom is given by God, He is the only way to true life
see Job 28 1-28
At one point the speaker asked us to write down why we feel we are here this weekend. Here is what I wrote.
The Lord called me here. He chose me to be here this weekend because He has a wonderful plan for my life.
In our weakness He is strong and He will be glorified!
We are already diamonds we just need to be uncovered and shine like a diamond
see Isiah 43:18
God unclogs our lives to let the light shine through reflecting more beautiful things of God... we just have to look and ask!
God wastes no moment, no tribulation, no test happens with out reason. Remember and know that the Lord loves you and chooses you for each trial. Taking you with Him to that next level.
Give me more lord and shine through me!!! Lord I write this to you, faith is something that I was born with. Childlike faith is my specialty. Recently whether lazy or not making the time I have not put God first. I am feeling the pressure to do so. He deserves my all and I truely deeply want to give it to Him. I want to constantly give my all to Him, keeping the door of my heart open to the blessings and miracles that he has for me. I do not want to leave any of my boxes in heaven full. (Ron Mehl used to say that he pictured an area in heaven where there were rooms with boxes. Everyones name was on a box, each box contained all of the blessing that God had intended for each of us before we were even born. That when we get to heaven the Lord will sit down with us and go over our box or boxes showing us all of the miracles He had waiting up here for us that we just never asked) I want to show Paisley and Jason how good it is when you make that choice and follow through with it, daily. It is time, God has chosen me, I am answering the call and going to go forward continually hand in hand with My Lord, My God. I love you so much and more...
Love Traci
see Psalms 107 1-43
it explains that some are wanderers, some are prisoners, some are fools and other are merchants. I stood when she asked who of us consider ourselves wanderers.
in the Psalms it says this of the wanderer "Some wandered in desert wastelands, finding no way to a city where they could settle,they were hungry and thirsty... Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble and He delivered them from their distress. He led them by a straight way to a city where they could settle. Let them give thanks to the lord for His unfailing love and His wonderful deeds for men, for He satisfies the thirsty and fills the hungry with good things. (Psalms 107 4-9)
I am a wanderer my heart is crying out to be belong and find my place, to feel love... Gods love is the only love that can satisfy me and fulfill me. I know that now!
God is in control.
Fear is OK, it is natural. It is what you do with that fear...
1. what am I going to do? How will I react?
-What comes out of you when you are squeezed? It is what is truly inside of you.
-learn to be happy out in the deep
-let things get out of control
we are not called to live in fear
2. what are you going to do when you are in trouble?
-stand up in courage
-risk walking into the unknown
-you were specifically called to live on the edge, being an example for those who are still afraid to
-live life leaning so far on God that if He was to move you would fall flat on your face, that is real faith (Ron Mehl)
I am a wanderer. But I am created to be a leader. I will take that gift and make the most of my past present and my future!
I will live by faith, be known by love and lead by wisdom.
The Lord giveth and the lord taketh away but blessed be the name of the Lord
Matthew 13:44 The kingdom of heaven is like a treasure hidden in a field. When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field.
He bought that field because he knew the value of it. My life is a field.
let go of the reigns truly be ready and willing to live unbalanced, only then will the Lord have control.
Don't wait to know your worth before you step out. If you wait for everything to be "perfect" or lined up you are waisting time that you could be blessing others and be receiving blessings God has in heaven waiting to grant you.
see 2 corinthians 3,4,5
My personal goals: (please help hold me accountable)
-stop waiting until I feel loved to love others.
-stop waiting to be "rich" to bless others
-stop waiting for a place of comfort to comfort others.
leave my selfishness behind, stand up strong in My Lord, courageous and in prayer touch those who the lord has put on my heart!
Also
Surrender the things that take up my time. Take a fine tooth comb over my day picking out the things I know do not need to be there.
Great freedom comes from great sacrifice
God is faithful, know that God is around the corner waiting, that is all I need to know.
thank you for reading this, I know it was long. I am just so happy to have take so much away from this experience. I will gladly be signing up for the next one. I have many more stories that I might share if i get a chance, but over all it was amazing!
Love Traci
saying good-bye to a best friend...
Thursday, November 20, 2008
saying good-bye to a best friend...
Current mood: heartbroken
Saying good bye is hard, and to be honest something I have never mastered. Last night was the first night with out our dog Isa. We are moving into a smaller place this weekend and we wanted her to have more than we were able to give her. She went to a great home, and is getting taken care of, actually spoiled!
Last night I found myself crying myself to sleep going over all the times we had with Isa. The day that we brought her home in feet of snow back in Bend, OR. The camping trips she kept us warm on and was our entertainment back in OR. Taking her everywhere we went except work back in OR oh did she love that. Then our move to CA she looked backwards over half of the 18 hour move South. Then while I was on bed rest the last few months of my pregnancy, she literally lived on my stomach at all hours of the day. Then when we brought Paisley home it all changed. We were unfortunately not the best dog parents anymore, primarily focusing on Pais. We took her to dog parks and walked her every once in awhile. Then once Pais was old enough to get around, Isa followed her everywhere. My favorite moments and most missed are the ones just watching Isa and Paisley run around the house giggling and playing together. They were suddenly best friends. Even though we know Isa had a love hate relationship with Pais. We don't blame her though since Pais did take her place in a way. Yet she was still so good with everyone. There was never a dog or human that she didn't love and want all of their attention. She gave us a sense of security. She was a lap dog at heart and she wouldn't even hurt a fly.
In all, we loved her very deeply and still do, she just won't be living with us anymore. She has already left a huge void in our home and hearts. We will attempt to find a new pet as a Christmas present for Pais to fill some of this void. It will be big shoes to fill though.
Time will heal all wounds, and like everything, this too shall pass. I am doing what I can to comfort myself and my family during this heartbreaking transition. Please pray for our hearts and more importantly Isa to be comforted through this huge transition that she is going through and that her new family will make her feel even more loved then we ever could.
Isa we love you and will forever miss you more then you will ever know. Love, Jason Traci and Paisley
saying good-bye to a best friend...
Current mood: heartbroken
Saying good bye is hard, and to be honest something I have never mastered. Last night was the first night with out our dog Isa. We are moving into a smaller place this weekend and we wanted her to have more than we were able to give her. She went to a great home, and is getting taken care of, actually spoiled!
Last night I found myself crying myself to sleep going over all the times we had with Isa. The day that we brought her home in feet of snow back in Bend, OR. The camping trips she kept us warm on and was our entertainment back in OR. Taking her everywhere we went except work back in OR oh did she love that. Then our move to CA she looked backwards over half of the 18 hour move South. Then while I was on bed rest the last few months of my pregnancy, she literally lived on my stomach at all hours of the day. Then when we brought Paisley home it all changed. We were unfortunately not the best dog parents anymore, primarily focusing on Pais. We took her to dog parks and walked her every once in awhile. Then once Pais was old enough to get around, Isa followed her everywhere. My favorite moments and most missed are the ones just watching Isa and Paisley run around the house giggling and playing together. They were suddenly best friends. Even though we know Isa had a love hate relationship with Pais. We don't blame her though since Pais did take her place in a way. Yet she was still so good with everyone. There was never a dog or human that she didn't love and want all of their attention. She gave us a sense of security. She was a lap dog at heart and she wouldn't even hurt a fly.
In all, we loved her very deeply and still do, she just won't be living with us anymore. She has already left a huge void in our home and hearts. We will attempt to find a new pet as a Christmas present for Pais to fill some of this void. It will be big shoes to fill though.
Time will heal all wounds, and like everything, this too shall pass. I am doing what I can to comfort myself and my family during this heartbreaking transition. Please pray for our hearts and more importantly Isa to be comforted through this huge transition that she is going through and that her new family will make her feel even more loved then we ever could.
Isa we love you and will forever miss you more then you will ever know. Love, Jason Traci and Paisley
The Christmas season officially broke me down...
Monday, December 22, 2008
The Christmas season officially broke me down...
Current mood: crappy
I am a mother and wife among many other things...
Recently I have been feeling many feelings on the outside, for example: It is the Christmas season and I have been busy blessing others (that makes me happy) We have had some rainy days. (that makes me happy) My daughter is learning a ton. (that makes me happy) My husband and I have been able to work on our communication since we do not have any roommates. (that makes me happy)
But even while all of these wonderful things (and plenty more) have been happening, internally my feelings have not been matching up. Internally I am feeling sad and lonely. Part of me misses the familiarity that only Oregon can give me. Parts of me are realizing (since we have been away for so long now) that there are so many things and lives that I am missing out on. Lives I wish I was around to touch and and be touched by. Voids in my life and heart are causing me to question myself and my abilities, as a mother (this one is really getting me lately) as a friend and as a humble daughter to my heavenly father. I am not sure if my head is just not in the right place or if there is something deeper I am not seeing... this time of reflection is helping me get through some of it. I guess I grew up in world that I created. I was able to do that because I was not directly responsible for any other human being. Now that I am getting older and responsible for more and more human beings, my pretend world that I had created to feel safe and loved at all times no matter what, are violently crashing down around me. I am finding myself looking in the mirror unsure of who I am anymore and asking questions like, can I be a "wonderful" mother, wife and friend and still be the Traci that I have grown to love. Because when I see that "wonderful" mother and wife I really truely don't recognize myself... that is scary. If you have ever felt that you understand what I am saying. I find myself looking at what others have and wishing we had that even just a little of it. I am not talking about worldly possessions, I am finding myself jealous that others live so close and do not even take advantage of it. That others have family to physically rely on for both babysitting and just spending time with one another... and do not even know what they have. Don't get me wrong, I have a ton to be thankful for and the Lord above knows that I am. There are still things that my heart has been longing for and it is breaking me down. As I am sitting here crying typing this out best I can, I am reminded of a few songs. This song always brings comfort and clearer vision, but this day inparticular is bringing me joy and PRAISE. I am seeing now that those walls I so strongly built up were not mine to build. Those things I am longing for are not mine to cry over. That unless I am truely happy from the inside (which only God can give me when I ask) Then no things worldly or not will "make me happy". I am still going to dream of those things that I feel I am missing out on, but in the mean time I am going to fill my heart and my time with the Lord and His will. He must have us here so far away from everything I find so comforting for a reason. I trust He will use us where we are for His glory and in the meantime I am going to hold close these songs that bring me tears comfort and PRAISE...
EVERYTHING
God in my living
There in my breathing
God in my waking
God in my sleeping
God in my resting
There in my working
God in my thinking
God in my speaking
Be my everything
Be my everything
Be my everything
Be my everything
God in my hoping
There in my dreaming
God in my wathcing
God in my waiting
God in my laughing
There in my weeping
God in my hurting
God in my healing
Christ in me
Christ in me
Christ in me the hope of glory
You are everything
Christ in me
Christ in me
Christ in me the hope of glory
Be my everything
You are everything
Jesus, Everything
UNFAILING LOVE
You have my heart
And I am Yours forever
You are my strength
God of grace and power
And everything You hold in Your hand
Still You make time for me
I can't understand
Praise You God of Earth and sky
How beautiful is Your unfailing love
Unfailing love
And You never change God You remain
The Holy One
My unfailing love
Unfailing love
You are my rock
The one I hold on to
You are my song
And I sing for You
FROM THE INSIDE OUT
A thousand times I've failed
Still your mercy remains
And should I stumble again
Still I'm caught in your grace
Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
In my heart, in my soul, Lord I give you control
Consume me from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise become my embrace
To love You from the inside out
Your will above all else, my purpose remains
The art of losing myself in bringing you praise
Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
In my heart, in my soul, Lord I give you control
Consume me from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise become my embrace
To love You from the inside out
You can see all of these songs and so many more on youtube (for free) and sing along with the lyrics...
The Christmas season officially broke me down...
Current mood: crappy
I am a mother and wife among many other things...
Recently I have been feeling many feelings on the outside, for example: It is the Christmas season and I have been busy blessing others (that makes me happy) We have had some rainy days. (that makes me happy) My daughter is learning a ton. (that makes me happy) My husband and I have been able to work on our communication since we do not have any roommates. (that makes me happy)
But even while all of these wonderful things (and plenty more) have been happening, internally my feelings have not been matching up. Internally I am feeling sad and lonely. Part of me misses the familiarity that only Oregon can give me. Parts of me are realizing (since we have been away for so long now) that there are so many things and lives that I am missing out on. Lives I wish I was around to touch and and be touched by. Voids in my life and heart are causing me to question myself and my abilities, as a mother (this one is really getting me lately) as a friend and as a humble daughter to my heavenly father. I am not sure if my head is just not in the right place or if there is something deeper I am not seeing... this time of reflection is helping me get through some of it. I guess I grew up in world that I created. I was able to do that because I was not directly responsible for any other human being. Now that I am getting older and responsible for more and more human beings, my pretend world that I had created to feel safe and loved at all times no matter what, are violently crashing down around me. I am finding myself looking in the mirror unsure of who I am anymore and asking questions like, can I be a "wonderful" mother, wife and friend and still be the Traci that I have grown to love. Because when I see that "wonderful" mother and wife I really truely don't recognize myself... that is scary. If you have ever felt that you understand what I am saying. I find myself looking at what others have and wishing we had that even just a little of it. I am not talking about worldly possessions, I am finding myself jealous that others live so close and do not even take advantage of it. That others have family to physically rely on for both babysitting and just spending time with one another... and do not even know what they have. Don't get me wrong, I have a ton to be thankful for and the Lord above knows that I am. There are still things that my heart has been longing for and it is breaking me down. As I am sitting here crying typing this out best I can, I am reminded of a few songs. This song always brings comfort and clearer vision, but this day inparticular is bringing me joy and PRAISE. I am seeing now that those walls I so strongly built up were not mine to build. Those things I am longing for are not mine to cry over. That unless I am truely happy from the inside (which only God can give me when I ask) Then no things worldly or not will "make me happy". I am still going to dream of those things that I feel I am missing out on, but in the mean time I am going to fill my heart and my time with the Lord and His will. He must have us here so far away from everything I find so comforting for a reason. I trust He will use us where we are for His glory and in the meantime I am going to hold close these songs that bring me tears comfort and PRAISE...
EVERYTHING
God in my living
There in my breathing
God in my waking
God in my sleeping
God in my resting
There in my working
God in my thinking
God in my speaking
Be my everything
Be my everything
Be my everything
Be my everything
God in my hoping
There in my dreaming
God in my wathcing
God in my waiting
God in my laughing
There in my weeping
God in my hurting
God in my healing
Christ in me
Christ in me
Christ in me the hope of glory
You are everything
Christ in me
Christ in me
Christ in me the hope of glory
Be my everything
You are everything
Jesus, Everything
UNFAILING LOVE
You have my heart
And I am Yours forever
You are my strength
God of grace and power
And everything You hold in Your hand
Still You make time for me
I can't understand
Praise You God of Earth and sky
How beautiful is Your unfailing love
Unfailing love
And You never change God You remain
The Holy One
My unfailing love
Unfailing love
You are my rock
The one I hold on to
You are my song
And I sing for You
FROM THE INSIDE OUT
A thousand times I've failed
Still your mercy remains
And should I stumble again
Still I'm caught in your grace
Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
In my heart, in my soul, Lord I give you control
Consume me from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise become my embrace
To love You from the inside out
Your will above all else, my purpose remains
The art of losing myself in bringing you praise
Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
In my heart, in my soul, Lord I give you control
Consume me from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise become my embrace
To love You from the inside out
You can see all of these songs and so many more on youtube (for free) and sing along with the lyrics...
Books to inspire and uplift
When Wallflowers Dance: Becoming a Woman of Righteous Confidence - Angela Thomas
The Mission of Motherhood: Touching Your Child's Heart for Eternity - Sally Clarkson
The Ministry of Motherhood: Following Christ's Example in Reaching the Hearts of Our Children - Sally Clarkson
The Love Dare - Stephen Kendrick
Do You Think I'm Beautiful? - Angela Thomas
A Beautiful Offering: Returning God's Love with Your Life- Angela Thomas
Grace-Based Parenting by Tim Kimmel
Tender Mercy For A Mother's Soul by Angela Thomas
The Mission of Motherhood: Touching Your Child's Heart for Eternity - Sally Clarkson
The Ministry of Motherhood: Following Christ's Example in Reaching the Hearts of Our Children - Sally Clarkson
The Love Dare - Stephen Kendrick
Do You Think I'm Beautiful? - Angela Thomas
A Beautiful Offering: Returning God's Love with Your Life- Angela Thomas
Grace-Based Parenting by Tim Kimmel
Tender Mercy For A Mother's Soul by Angela Thomas
Psalm 73:25-26
Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
Ephesians 2:4-5
But because of His great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions- it is by grace you have been saved.
Hebrews 12:1
let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us RUN with perseverance the race marked out for us.
Madeleine L'Engle
I sit on my favorite rock, looking over the brook, to take time away from busy-ness, time to be. I've long since stopped feeling guilty about taking being time; it's something we all need for our spiritual health, and often we don't take enough of it.
Ron Mehl or Webster's
Mercy: not getting the penalty that you deserve.
Grace: getting a gift that you don't deserve.
Grace: getting a gift that you don't deserve.
2 Corinthians 12:9-10
Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
Q&A
You get angry with yourself when...
I am too hard on Paisley and expect too much out of her for her age.
I am too hard on Paisley and expect too much out of her for her age.
Q&A
The moment you achieved absolute happiness...
after giving birth to Paisley and giving my husband a gorgeous baby girl.
after giving birth to Paisley and giving my husband a gorgeous baby girl.
Q&A
Something you wish you could change about yourself?
I wish I saw myself through different eyes, that were not so harsh.
I wish I saw myself through different eyes, that were not so harsh.
Q&A
Something you wish you could change about your life?
I wish I could have my cake and eat it too... someday I will!
I wish I could have my cake and eat it too... someday I will!
Q&A
What do you dream about?
I dream about traveling. I dream about becoming well known for my jewelry and possibly having a talk show someday down the road...
I dream about traveling. I dream about becoming well known for my jewelry and possibly having a talk show someday down the road...
Q&A
What do people tell you that you are good at?
Cooking, jewelry design, being a Mom, being a wife, smiling, being friendly, giving and last but not least inspiring!
Cooking, jewelry design, being a Mom, being a wife, smiling, being friendly, giving and last but not least inspiring!
Q&A
What things/activities/callings give you great excitement and provide peace?
I enjoy many things in life but that actually provide peace? I would have to say laying out by a lake or river and enjoying the beautiful surroundings. I guess cooking is another one, I am at peace and comfortable in the kitchen. Photography is something I enjoy and find peaceful.
I enjoy many things in life but that actually provide peace? I would have to say laying out by a lake or river and enjoying the beautiful surroundings. I guess cooking is another one, I am at peace and comfortable in the kitchen. Photography is something I enjoy and find peaceful.
Q&A
How does the joy of your youth translate into the adult world?
I look back to my childhood, especially during the holidays and recall memories and traditions. I proudly carry those on and add to them for Paisley and our family.
I look back to my childhood, especially during the holidays and recall memories and traditions. I proudly carry those on and add to them for Paisley and our family.
John Eldredge
Contentment is not freedom from desire, but freedom of desire. Being content is not pretending that everything is the way you wish it would be; it is not acting as though you have no wishes. Rather, it is no longer being ruled by your desires.
C.S. Lewis
True friends don't spend time gazing into each others eyes. They show great tenderness towards each other, but they face in the same direction-toward common projects, interests, goals-above all, toward a common Lord.
Jude 21
Keep yourselves in God's love as you WAIT FOR THE MERCY of our Lord Jesus Christ to bring you eternal life.
I need to learn
I need to learn to be proud of the Mother that I am. I need learn to be proud of the wife that I am. I want to learn to be proud of the person that I am.
I need to learn
I need to learn to feel beautiful in my own skin. I need to learn to feel sexier when I am naked.
I need to learn
I need to learn to look at others through God's eyes. I need to learn to love more unconditionally.
Not Being Attractive
I have received many compliments throughout my life regarding my looks. I am very grateful for all of them. The compliments have also built a lot of pressure to keep that up. For me looking good is feeling good. I am not a shallow person, I know that there is so much more to me than my appearance. But I would be lying to myself if I said that I do not like to look good, and when I feel like I look good I am more confident and TRACI. Before giving birth I felt great more often then not. Now almost two years after giving birth I am starting to find that good feeling when I look in the mirror again. When I am feeling good I am a better Mom, wife and person being able to focus on others and not worrying about how I feel and or look.
Not being/feeling attractive is a fear.
Not being/feeling attractive is a fear.
Being Poor
Being poor is a newer fear for me but a very difficult one to swallow. It is no the pride factor of not having what someone else might have. I am terrified of being poor because I am used to getting what I want. Growing up I was not handed anything and I worked hard most everything I had. My parents never dished out money for cars, and school, and things like many of my friends parents did. I would not change that for anything! What is hard now in the present day is not working for money. I work, I actually work harder now then ever before... and supervising at a bank at 21 is not simple task... but I do not get a paycheck at the end of two weeks, or any week for that matter! So I have to rely on my husband, which is not what I am good at or used to. It is hard finding ways to make "my own" money so I can guiltlessly buy a t shirt or make up when I want to. Being Poor scares be because it forces me outside of my comfort zone. It pushes me to budget and trust completely on the Lord at least two weeks out of every month since moving to California over two years ago... I am working on not being afraid or worse, stressed from lack of funds and fully giving it to the Lord. He has never not provided, I know He is there for us. Immanuel!!!
Being poor is one of my fears.
Being poor is one of my fears.
Being Alone
Being alone is a scary thing to me. As I grew up I always surrounded myself around other people. The people I chose to surround myself with were not always the best example. As I get older and slowly but surely more mature, I choose carefully who I fill my time with. I am beginning to surround myself with positive inspiring people that I have stuff in common with. I make the most of each encounter.
Being alone is scary to me because I have been relying on those closest to me (my daughter, husband, friends, family) to make me happy. I was of course getting quite disappointed and even hurt at times when they weren't fulfilling that void for me. I have had to learn that my happiness should have nothing to do with anyone else. Here is something that has opened my eyes and spared many relationships "Remember, you were made for God. Jesus is the only answer for my empty soul." (passage from Tender Mercy For a Mothers Soul by, Anglela Thomas Guffey)
I am beginning to realize that being alone is a good place to be. Not all the time (that is not my personality) but making times throughout my day and week to have "me" time. Turn of the TV, music what ever could be a disturbance and reflect on my life. The past present and future. It can be scary to look at myself and see what is inside, but I am working on being honest and learning to forgive myself. I am my worst critic, I need to change that and be my best cheerleader! This blog will allow me to keep track of everything and I can reflect more accurately on my ups and downs. I will be able to hold myself accountable in certain areas and be proud of myself for in others.
Being alone is something I am fearful of.
Being alone is scary to me because I have been relying on those closest to me (my daughter, husband, friends, family) to make me happy. I was of course getting quite disappointed and even hurt at times when they weren't fulfilling that void for me. I have had to learn that my happiness should have nothing to do with anyone else. Here is something that has opened my eyes and spared many relationships "Remember, you were made for God. Jesus is the only answer for my empty soul." (passage from Tender Mercy For a Mothers Soul by, Anglela Thomas Guffey)
I am beginning to realize that being alone is a good place to be. Not all the time (that is not my personality) but making times throughout my day and week to have "me" time. Turn of the TV, music what ever could be a disturbance and reflect on my life. The past present and future. It can be scary to look at myself and see what is inside, but I am working on being honest and learning to forgive myself. I am my worst critic, I need to change that and be my best cheerleader! This blog will allow me to keep track of everything and I can reflect more accurately on my ups and downs. I will be able to hold myself accountable in certain areas and be proud of myself for in others.
Being alone is something I am fearful of.
Friday, January 2, 2009
Unknown
The unknown is similar to change... but slightly different. The unknown is that crossroad you have never been to before. Unknown is not knowing what is around the corner. Unknown is not having answers. The unknown is scary and well... unknown! I am learning to this day that the unknown can be the scariest thing and the most rewarding all at the same time... be open to the unknown and welcome it to open arms.
The Unknown is one of my fears.
The Unknown is one of my fears.
Change
I am terrified of change... well I lied. I am not terrified, but it does make me sick to my stomach. Change comes in all shapes sizes and forms. We have all experienced it in one way or another. Change kicks us straight from middle school into a whole new world called high school... with seniors! Change brings new people circumstances and tests when you are already feeling at your lowest. Change is scary it has no face and no name to put on it. Once the change is over is pops up in a whole new form and you do not realize it until you have (hopefully) defeated it once again. Change makes us better people (hopefully) and shows our true character.
Change is one of my fears...
Change is one of my fears...
This is TRACI
As you read above this blog is to hold me accountable, keep be going and not loose sight of who I am capable of being. God made me. God made me to do wonderful things. Being a Mommy is a wonderful calling, but there is so much more to me. I have so much more in me that I am going to be, 2009 is going to be a starting point for me. Comments are encouraged and opinions are wanted. Welcome 2009 and the beginning of a new life for me... TRACI!
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