Miss Kirstie

The week before we traveled to Oregon we welcomed a last minute house guest. This is Kirstie. She is 19 and from Northern Cali. She was at a cross point in her life and trying to figure out where to go from here. We welcomed herinto our home for a week and treated her like she was family. I took her around trying to get her a job and many other things. When we brought her in to our home as a complete stranger we were nervous but as a couple we took it to the Lord. Jason and I felt peace and moved forward praying diligently over each day that we could bless her and show her Gods unconditional love. I felt like a 26 year old mom to a 19 year old.... so I had no clue what I was doing when she would ask me questions about life and what "to do next in life" we prayed together and read our Bible together. I asked the Lord to speak through me into her life as it was not a mistake that she came to our home. As always when doing missions work you go into it with the intent to bless love and serve, and of course the Lord faithfully used miss Kirstie to love and bless us as a family too. As you can see she was wonderful with Paisley (Paisley got a good lesson from this all too) Through our morning and nightly talks about life past present and future I encouraged her to ask God into her heart and let Him lead her life, after all HE was the one who perfectly and wonderfully made her... She had lots of questions and comments and we went through them all, again the Lord was faithful to plant the seeds. When it was time for her to go (Jason had made a point that she could stay in our home as long as I was home too, but once me and the kids left for Oregon she needed to go as well, she understood and respected his wisdom) there were many tears on all sides. She will always know she is part of our family and can always find prayer encouragement and truth anytime day or night. We praised the Lord that we were part of His plan for her life and her ours. We thanked Him for protected us and our belongs after inviting a complete stranger into our home, who was going through a deep dark time. We will continue to pray over her and keep in touch. But here is a record for us as a family and Pais as she grows older to see the Lord at work specifically within our family. We talk about letting the Lord use us to bless others and that has come in all sorts of forms and Paisley has been a part of them all... this one was a bigger step of faith and I am so glad we did it as a family with the Lords blessings.... GOD IS GOOD ALL THE TIME!!! Jesusu be with you Kirstie!

neglect

I have neglected my personal blog... for months now. This year has been filled with lessons learned and lessons learning. I can hardly keep track of them BUT I want to start again. The Lord is doing great works in my life, my husbands, my daughters, my sons and my brothers. The gratitude towards the Lord for His provisions and guidance upon each of us is inmeasurable. The Lord is answering prayers so fast I can hardly keep track of them. I was recently made aware that I am in a season of peace healing and growth. It is a season that makes me squirm, literally. I have a type A personally with a capital A. I am a doer by nature and ONLY feel good about myself when I am productive and have hard evidence of what I have been doing with my time. So naturally this season the Lord has put me in is one that makes me uncomfortable. After all we have been dragged through the last 5 years you would think I would be happy to just take a breather from all the hardships. But not me. I hesitated to even accept the fact that this is a new season and a season of putting into myself. Ugh it made me SO uncomfortable. I am praying more then ever before and praying like never before, I am praying for people and things I have never prayed for before. I am reading my Bible, I am studying my Bible. I am staying on track with my oh so perfect devotional. (Jesus Calling by, Sarah Young) along with a few other key books that are transforming and shaping my life. (Teaching Your Child How To Pray by, Rick Osborne, One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp, Sabbath by Wayne Muller and The Excellent Wife by Martha Peace) I am hungry for God and history and understanding the Bible for the first time in my life. I am openly communicating with the Lord throughout my day during the good the bad and the dull. I am keeping a record of things that I am thankful for and it is teaching me a new way of life. Not just to be "thankful" but to see God in everything. To see God in the good the bad and the everyday tasks like making meals and cleaning house. I am learning to accept just how much My God loves me and how much He has for me, if I just ask, and then if I just listen. God is constant, I am not. BUT I am learning to be. I am reaping the rewards daily of giving my life, my time my money and thoughts over to God at the start of each day. Then throughout the day asking for guidance and direction. He has the answer and I just need to be open to His way instead of planning it all MY way. I am seeing the benefits of my transformation blossoming through Paisley as well. Her heart for God and understanding is slowly growing and maturing before our eyes. Her most recent blessing took place one night while I was not at home. Jason was home with the kids and I guess as the sun was setting Jason found Paisley standing on our couch looking out the window into the sunset. The sky was bright pink and oranges with purple too. She was jumping up and down shouting (yes SHOUTING) "Thank you Jesus, oh Lord, Thank you so much. Oh Jesus I just love it, thank you...." on and on as Jason explained. I started crying when he told me. A few nights before her and I were watching the same sun set from the same couch. As the sky lit up with gorgeous colors from Gods pallet, I grabbed her and explained that the art in the sky was a very special gift, a gift JUST for Paisley. I asked her whose favorite colors were lighting up the sky? She replied proudly, "mine Momma mine!" and I told her "Yes Paisley, that is because God loves you so much and more, He decorated that sky tonight just for you!" She didn't seem all that enthused and hopped down and continued playing. I was sad at the moment thinking maybe she didn't understand or worse yet, she didn't care.(therefore I am not doing my job as a mommy very well...)Apparently she was listening. The Lord showed me in that moment that all He asks of me is to teach, to be an example and to LOVE my children, HE will do the rest... The Lord is also growing a love and a relationship between Jason and I that I could have only hoped for. We will be married 6 years this October and our first 5 years of marriage have been HARD. But the Lord is faithfully using all of the struggles and hardships to glue us together tighter then ever. I have never been so attracted and in love with him, all of him. Praise God for that!
Oh Lord,
To you I am thankful. To you I owe my all. To you I shout praises and glory to your name alone. I fall before you, you are my King. Lord Jesus I love you. I am thankful for your steadfast love. Your steadfast promises. I thank you for all you have blessed us with financially. I thank you that you answer prayers and you are faithful. Praise you Jesus.

When He calls my name

So much has been going on. So many lessons have been learned. And so many prayers have been answered, I can not keep up with them on the blog. This one needs to be documented. I need to hold myself accountable. So here it goes...(back story) over a year ago the Lord asked me to quit drinking. It was a big ordeal and Jason I both in the end brought to the Lord and were obedient. Months went by and we did not have a single drink. Then after Kaiser was born we began finding reasons "why it was OK to have ONE drink" then it was two. Never any more than that, but we were still taking it back into our own hands... and making legit reasons why it was OK.)
This morning I was woken up by the Lord. If you have never experienced this before it is quite scary. As a Mom I wake up often in the night responding to different sounds throughout the house. But this is different. One minute I am happily sleeping and the next minute I am staring conviction right in the face. Not guilt or condemnation... conviction and My King right there surrounding me in the dark of the early morning hours. I heard the Lords voice as clear as day, "Traci, I have been whispering to you about this one thing, but your stubbornness keeps getting in the way. Your lack of self discipline keeps playing a role in there too. I am done whispering. I am coming to you out of love, I have asked you to let go of alcohol. You were obedient, but then you took it back into your own hands. It is time you leave it at my feet and be obedient. The next time I ask wont be so nice. So what will it be?"
I replied, "Lord when you put it that way, of course I choose you. I will let it go and not let it be a barrier between us any longer. Thank you for loving me and coming to me like this. Lord I lay this at the cross and I will not go back. I ask for deliverance and forgiveness of this sin. I pray for self control. I ask that you would remove the very temptation. I used to be addicted to drugs and another lifestyle and you delivered me from those free and clear. I ask you to do the same with the alcohol now too. Thank you for your faithfulness even when I am faithless. Thank you Jesus, Amen"
and then just as fast as I was woken up from a deep sleep I fell right back into one. When I woke up this morning, I could feel the Lord smiling at me and even a little wink. Then I felt the need to tell a close reliable prayer warrior/best friend so she could pray over me and hold me accountable so I was not entering this alone.
The other neat addition to this early morning moment with God that I love so much is all of the teachings that came flooding back to mind. Some people don't understand how powerful the act of obedience of going to church each Sunday is. As a family we go to get fed, and then there are those Sundays where you might not leave feeling super amazing like you just learned so much you have to go tell everyone you know. BUT then these moments happen. What you put in, is what you get out. I am thankful we have been in church depositing truth so when the tough moments and choices come the Holy Spirit suddenly (with out me even asking) floods you with all of the truths you have been subconsciously storing up.
I am at peace with this decision it feels natural this time. As always I am an open book if you have any questions. Please be in prayer with me/us that this remains in the Lords hands this time and not sneak back into my own. Also please feel free to ask occasionally how I am doing, be specific, I wont be offended. I will appreciate it.
Lastly, please understand that this is a personal decision. This is not a bash on alcohol. Each person has their own reasons why they do or do not drink. I am just explaining my own personal reasons.
Love Traci

Traci Leann

When God fearfully and wonderfully made me in my mothers womb he chose the name Traci Leann.
Traci means courageous. Courageous happens to be one of my favorite words.
Courageous:
1. to defy; challenge; dare.
2. the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc., without fear; bravery.
3. permits one to face extreme dangers and difficulties without fear.
I am moving forward with a courageous heart mind and spirit, since God is with me, NO man may be against me!

Leann means lioness. Lions are by far one of my favorite animals and the lioness is just as unique and beautiful.
Lioness:
fearless, protective, motherly and caring, respected, courageous just to name a few.

Day three

I have to start by saying how much I love this. I have set time aside each and everyday for quality time with the Lord most days a couple times throughout the day because, I just can't get enough! I will continue this, not just this week in preparation and obedience but as a daily thing. Like eating, I wouldn't go a couple days with out eating, well the same goes for digesting the gospel and spending time with my heavenly father. It is official :)
So much has happened since Sunday. I decided officially that I would get baptized this coming Sunday. So in preparation to that I have been in the word, on my knees in prayer and making time to worship and listen to the Lord. He of course has answered. While praying a few nights ago, I prayed this and I am asking others to trust with me. So that when He delivers we can all rejoice together.
A quick background... there is a family that I am friends with back in OR. They had their first child about 2.5 months ago after trying for 7 years...(for details check out the blog I am working on for them at calledtoapurpose.blogspot.com it is still in the works but you can read their testimony, very touching and this will all make more sense)
I very specifically am trusting that, as quickly and unexplainable as Claire's seizsures came on they would leave. That they would leave her body and never return, EVER. We are trusting that just as no Dr can figure out how to manage them or tame them, that the Lord would remove them from her body so sudden and unexplainable that only God will get the glory. Then on the topic of their medical bills, I am trusting that the Lord will provide the means to cover every dollar of medical bills that has and will get racked up. Then once He has faithfully provided every dollar so that they are left with not a single penny of debt, he would give them $7000 in excess. Just because. I know that money will not give them back the months and memories they have missed out on as a family, but once again, by covering all of the debt and providing extra forthem to be blessed by, we can only say that is was given from God. So be trusting with me and others who are calling out in His authority and with child like faith, that the Lord WILL deliver this to the Hales family, in His time!

There is so much more to write that the Lord is doing in me and through me, but a migraine has taken over and I can't stare at anything with out wanting to puke. Be back soon...

Day two

Day TWO of preparing for my baptism...
Last night the Lord brought me to a passage. At first I was not sure that it was very applicable, but I should have known better. When I ask in faith He never fails me. So I faithfully read on.
Joshua 7:13 stood out to me and this is what spoke to me.
The NIV version says this: "Go, consecrate the people. Tell them, 'Consecrate yourselves in preparation for tomorrow; for this is what the LORD, the God of Israel, says: That which is devoted is among you, O Israel. You cannot stand against your enemies until you remove it.

Consecrate: to devote, declare scared, set apart or dedicate to the service of a deity
Deity: God, Supreme being
Devoted: loyalty or affection, ardent in attachment, intensely devoted.
Ardent: passionate

The new living translation says this: "Get up! Command the people to purify themselves in preparation for tomorrow. For this is what the LORD, the God of Israel, says: Hidden among you, O Israel, are things set apart for the LORD. You will never defeat your enemies until you remove these things from among you.

I like the use of the word "purify... in preparation for tomorrow." Things that were set apart for God are being used or taken in vain and before God can use me I must change and or remove these things... Now I am just trusting the Lord to show me what these specific THINGS are that I need to remove from my life. Only then can I give myself completely to him. Our pastor has been talking about building your foundation upon the solid rock. Removing every last particle of sand between us and the foundation so that we will not be rocked when test and trials come our way. They are very similar and very true.

Dear Jesus,
Thank you for being the same yesterday, today and forever. Thank you for being faithful even when I am faithless. Lord I call upon you asking for ears to hear and eyes to see. I want to hear you. Make your word come alive to me. I want to be your friend, you said that if I do what you command I will "no longer be your servant but your friend" (in John 13:13-17) I want to walk side by side with you and have a more intimate relationship with you. The better I understand you the better I know and love you. That is my prayer. Continue each day to reveal something new to me. Keep it fresh each day. I will not let a single day go by with out drawing near to you. Seeking your will for my life. May you be in everything I do and everything that I am. I love you Jesus, thank you Jesus.
Amen

Water Baptism

Water baptism, we have all heard the phrase before, maybe even been baptized as a child. But I am being challenged to take it to another level. The level where God intended it to be. Today I am journaling about water baptism. It is something the Lord has been stirring up inside of me for about 8 months now. Well the opportunity has come to act on it. With what I have been through in the last 8 months I know for a fact that my time is now. Sunday June 13, 2010 I am getting baptized. This journaling is a reminder for myself and a way to put into words what I am feeling and experiencing the week leading up to my baptism. I want to share what it means to me. Before I do something so special I want to fully understand what I am in for and what is expected of me. This week I will go deeper with the intent of fully understanding what baptism is and what Gods true intentions are when he asks us to give ourselves completely to Him. So I am starting with what baptism really means to me personally.
BAPTISM: ceremony of union, the beginning.
BAPTIZO: completely changed by what it is immersed in, a permanent change.
BAPTO: dip into something
(from a sermon by Justin Rupple)
For me it is time. I am going to completely let go. I am going to let go of my self centered life. Completely break from a life of sin. I am going to place Christ as the head of my life. I am going to celebrate becoming one with Christ. I am celebrating my passionate love for my heavenly father and stepping in to a union with Him. Just like a marriage where two become one. In return, I am expecting God to change my mindset, completely consume me. I am trusting that He will use me to be His hands and feet, shining a light for others to follow to Christ. I am expecting to be transformed like the caterpillar that turns into a butterfly and will never be the same.

2yr old VS. 24yr old

Life is just hilarious isn't it... I have to just sit back and laugh at the fact that I consider myself to be fairly mature, at least most of the time. The last few weeks my prayers have been focused on mine and Paisley's relationship. She is entering in to a very interesting stage. She is learning to really talk and express herself. She is more independent then I would have ever expected (this early anyway) she is so smart and aware, picking up on everything... good bad and otherwise. I have found myself really struggling to stay "ahead of the game" and "on top of it all" mostly in the discipline category.
SO I have been praying often and hard about the dynamics between the two of us. Asking specifically for discernment, wisdom, patience and grace. The Lord put on my heart some things I was not exactly ready for. (go figure) It felt like he played a little movie just for me in my head... the jist of it was Paisley not getting her way and throwing a fit, then immediately I reacted to her fit by basically throwing one myself. It hit me really hard. It hurts to realize that you are making a situation worse and not better. It is even more emotional and personal when that person is a precious human being that I brought into this world. A little girl that I am responsible for and love more than life itself. To see and realize that (to a point) she was just mimicking what she saw me doing. How could I blame her? So I brought it up to Jason and we had a long talk regarding the discipline topic. It was not our first, that is for sure, BUT it did have a whole new spin. I felt the Lords presence on either side of the conversation and I felt more encouraged than condemned or discouraged. Jason was also able to add some very helpful (painful but helpful non the less) observations he had had himself and wasn't sure how or when to bring it up...
So in conclusion, I have learned a very important lesson. A very humbling lesson and one I need to be able to look back on OFTEN.
1. I need to relax. Short and simple. Now if only it were easier said then done! But with prayer and practice it is working.
2. DO NOT REACT. I am finding that to help keep me from REacting to Paisley's actions, I count to 5 in my head before saying a word to her. It helps me keep in perspective what is actually going on. 10 out of 10 times the fit she is throwing or the action she is doing that is making me upset is really NOT a big deal. Yes I need to address and give out consequences accordingly, BUT by acting, and not REacting, I am staying "in control" and I am not letting her rule the moment.
3. Act. Very similar to the last one. But when I ACT I find that I am staying calm, not raising my voice a lot more gets accomplished. For example she is throwing a fit while she has friends over. Before I would have just said "Paisley that is not OK, stop." Well that was me REacting. Now I am working on Acting. So I would say "Paisley please come here..." giving us both time to cool off a bit. Then I explain to her, " We do not act like that. If you want to keep it up you can get in trouble." and when she is really throwing a fit and working herself up, I ask her to tell me what wrong or upsetting her. I then explain that whining is not OK that she needs to talk about it instead. (Because she needs to be able to have emotions and express herself but there are better ways to do that, other then whining and or throwing a fit.)
4. Don't take it personal. Yeah I know it makes me look really immature, but (as Jason pointed out to me) I was taking it personal when she would back talk us or not listen the first time when we asked her to do something. I felt she "knew better" but as I am learning, she is still 2 and not 24... so yes she may have been told before, but she is still naturally going to test the boundaries, and that is not personal. So since I don't take everything to personal when my 2 year throws a fit, I am able to laugh at the situation, and better direct the moment.
5. Stay consistent. This one is not knew, but it never hurts to be reminded. Being consistent in my case is remembering CONSTANTLY #'s 1, 2, 3, 4 & 6.
6. Pray, pray, pray. It is another simple one, but oh so powerful. I may have learned a few lessons from my 2 year old, but the main thing is I can not do this on my own. So stay in prayer about it ALL and then I will be more equipped and prepared as the moments happen.

aaahhhhh deep breath. So now it doesn't have to be the 2yr old VS. the 24yr old. I have better tools to help me be the parent. I can rise to the occasion and not fall down to her level. (which is good for a 2yr old, but not for a 24yr old)

A big bag of change

Well recently I was put on bed rest and medication... just like we went through with Paisley's pregnancy. Little Kaiser was trying to come early, REALLY early. My body is responding well to the medication and the bed rest and the contractions are much less frequent and most of the time less painful and intense. My belly is growing much quicker then with Paisley and man he is low. Paisley went head down the last 6-8 weeks of her pregnancy (he is not head down yet, thankfully) but my entire uterus is much lower. I can not wear anything but a pair of shorts (and it is super cold outside) and one pair of leggings. I am even down to one shirt that fits, where he hits when I am wearing clothes is not very convenient :) So on the plus side it is working out that I pretty much live in my PJ's. I am now in my third trimester, and man is that exciting. I feel like I can see the silver lining now and that this whole struggle is doable. It doesn't just effect me though. It also effects Jason and Paisley. Now Jason not only works during the day but then has to help with chores around the house that he RARELY ever has to lend a hand at. I am eternally grateful that he does it with such a great heart, it makes it much easier to ask for help. Paisley is also effected, if I can't leave the house all day (or at least I am not REALLY supposed too...) (sometimes we just have to for our sanity!) but if I am home all day most days, then so is she. We have been doing lots of art projects for the Christmas season just sitting on the floor making stuff. She is a trooper though, and as a friend said to me recently, "Paisley would rather have a healthy brother then go to Disneyland." (I was complaining to her that our passes end and we wont get to take Paisley again as a family during the holidays)
After typing this all out I actually feel a lot more at peace. I know a lot of wonderful people are praying for us, and we can feel God working. It is nice to look back and see how much time has already passed, and that we really don't have far to go know. It is still emotional and challenging most of the time, but we can do this! I also keep reminding myself (as do others) that this is only for a season. I can look back at bed rest with Paisley and the time felt like FOREVER. Now looking back it is a drop in the hat! Thank you all for the support, prayers, visits, offers and gifts... we really feel blessed.

I love this...

Wabi-sabi is a set of ancient Japanese principles that center on celebrating and finding beauty in the imperfect and unconventional. Wabi is new, fresh and unfinished, while sabi is beauty that comes with age, wisdom and use.

HA, I would consider that ME in a nut shell... ugh oh a new tattoo :)

Letting go, with help

Well I am not exactly sure how to word this. BUT it needs to be known. Lately the Lord has been very alive in our home. Jason has been on fire to read and know the word (the Bible) and has even inspired me along the way. We even take turns reading to each other each night before bed, and the Lord is bringing all sorts of new topics for us to talk about like never before. We started marriage counseling a few weeks ago. Everything was "fine" in our marriage, nothing to worry about, but we knew it could be more than just fine and we were ready to make the changes, for us and for Paisley. We belong to a church that has literally saved our lives. For me, after growing up in the presence and teaching of Ron Mehl (Ron Mehl the great, in my mind) I was spoiled. When he passed I thought there was no way I could ever find the leadership and Godliness that Ron empowered. For years I was right. But recently the Lord has brought us to a new church called The Bridge. It has really changed our lives and our family dynamic. We gladly and excitedly attend every Sunday, now bringing our visitors instead of using them as an excuse not to get up for church. Since moving to a new church the Lord has put me in a womens group that meets every other week. This group is very real and no more gossiping or pure venting, instead real things are happening in all of our marriages and families.

So now that you are some what up to date on our lives in Southern California... here comes the deep stuff. This may be news to some people. BUT Jason and I both have a drinking problem. We each have a different problem and have been "struggling" but ignoring the fact for many years. I personally have been drinking heavily and consistently since I was 13. I had my time with some drugs along the way back in high school and just out of high school days, with pot and cocaine. I was addicted to both at one point. Even as far as to selling cocaine... I know this may hurt a some of you who "raised" me but it is true and I am not one to hide my past, but instead learn from it. Sorry if this is embarrassing or upsetting but it is real. I was blessed to never get killed or kill anyone else during those times with the dumb and careless decisions I was making while on the drugs. (mostly just driving myself an others while intoxicated and even being pulled over multiple times but not getting caught) The Lord spared me more than I will ever know. I am not looking forward for that day in Heaven when He shows me all He spared me from and all that I deserved but He saved me from. It will be an emotional day... but I can only blame myself. Back to the alcohol. Alcohol is addicting just like the drugs were. The "problem" is that alcohol is socially exceptable. It is easier to hide (so we thought) as an obvious addiction. Over the past 6 months I can personally look back and see all the times the Lord was putting on my heart that I had a problem. Alcohol is not bad, in fact there is nothing wrong with alcohol, just like guns, it is the one holding the alcohol that has the power to make it a good thing or a bad thing. In my case I was abusing alcohol. I tried controlling the amount and how often Jason and I were drinking it. For example, we were each drinking at the LEAST 2 shots (of hard liquor) and 3 beers 5 nights a week and on the weekends, even more than that. (again for some of you this may be a surprise and others you already knew) I am small and young but have a huge tolerance for alcohol, for what ever reason... so I am not exaggerating and obviously this was a problem. We however never felt it was a problem. We each took turns justifying that "we are't getting drunk" or "look at Pais we are obviously good parents" and many more similar excuses to continue consuming massive amounts of alcohol. The Lord had had enough. He put it on my heart that we had to let alcohol become a problem in our household. I unfortunately and selfishly ignored His pleas... I briefly brought it up to Jason and it was met with much resistance. I used my husbands resistance as an excuse not to let go of alcohol and to attempt to control the amount we were intaking. Of course I already had a problem and was quite deep in it. So taking it on by myself was a joke and a waste of time. We ended up drinking even more! The Lord patiently and softly did not give up on me. One night I could not sleep and it was weighing on my heart very strongly. I brought it up to Jason very sheepishly, that I felt that the Lord wants me to give up alcohol all together. Completely stop. Jason thought I was crazy (I do not blame him, this was a HUGE change in our home and lifestyle, for him it was sudden and out of the blue) I went out into the living room and just cried, knowing what I needed to do, but honestly not thrilled at the idea of completely quiting. The Lord touched my heart and filled the voids that night. But no surprise, I got scared and uncomfortable and stopped for a few days, then decided to enjoy a beer feeling that I deserved one. (after all I gave it up for a new nights!) (HA!) So the following night was Monday night and I was meeting up with the ladies from my womens group. I rehearsed to myself over and over the whole car trip there, "Do not tell them about the alcohol, they won't understand, they will hold you accountable and you wont be able to keep working it out on your own, you will have them helping you" (that was the last thing that I wanted) Well the group talked about different points we were reading in our book. The next chapter that we talked about was titled "I sin a lot" the first question we talked about was "what sin has a strong hold in your life right now" Internally I was shouting out, but the rest of my insides were drowning at the thought of just letting it out in the open. I secretly (so I thought) looked around the room as a battle was going on inside of my head, when Jan a woman in our group was staring right at me... who knows for how long. She said, "Oh, Traci do you have something to say?" OH Sh** was honestly the next thing that went through my head... then all of the sudden I was spewing out everything I was going through and how I keep ignoring the Lords plea and was scared and EVERYTHING! In my head I was saying "oh great here we go! Your life is over, and you SAID you wouldn't tell them!" Then all I could do was cry. I was finally NOT in control. The Lord quit whispering and stepped in, (THANK GOD) not only did 4 other women know about my problem, but they were all ready to hold me accountable and encourage me. Then on top of that, they were huddled around me with their hands on me praying words of the Lord, full of encouragement, love, passion, God's will, and insight... my life was changed after the first prayer and there were still 3 more women to pray! We followed that by a talk that including Jason and him also stopping, a few of them knowing his personal battle with alcohol too. I said that he will not be a fan if he even agrees in the first place. I went home and prayed for him, and every night since, while continuing to NOT drink any alcohol. A few nights later I brought it up to Jason that I felt the Lord wanted him to stop as well, for himself, for me and for our family. He responded with much defense (again I do not blame him, the Lord speaks to each of us differently and in His timing) I had to trust that the Lord would have His way in Jason's heart on his own timing, not MY timing. I stepped back telling Jason and the Lord that this was not my battle to fight, that this was the Lord's. We went to bed not speaking. The following evening Jason came home and said "we need to talk" I was so scared he was going to say anything beside what actually came out of his mouth... He explained that all morning the Lord was weighing on his heart and that he was very emotional (Jason was allowing the Lord to show him what he wanted for Jason) Jason explained that he was ready and willing to give up alcohol completely too. The Lord had put on his heart reasons that made sense to him why it would benefit him to let go of alcohol as well.
So with the Lords help we are going forward with out alcohol in our life. As I said before it was a habit and a lifestyle for us. So each day is going to be a new adventure, but as it says in Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me.

I just wanted this out in the open. Please keep us accountable, and encourage us, we need it. We have made a hard decision to strengthen ourselves, our relationship (both our marriage and our marriage with our Heavenly Father) also and very importantly to be MUCH better parents and examples for the beautiful daughter that God has blessed us with.

Please feel free to email us with any questions or anything you may be feeling, we are out in the open about this, it is no secret. (any longer) Also, if you have any Bible verses that could help us in this change of lifestyle, we would greatly appreciate it. Of course prayers of praise to the Lord above is in order and prayers for continued help is always needed as well.

Thank you for your love and support. We appreciate and love you all, God bless
Love Traci and Jason

All I Need Is Jesus Ch 3

Ch 3 I have pride issues

Q#1 Can you think of a situation where pride has led to your downfall?

Not specifically, but pride is a sneaky area for me. She writes about befriending "needy" people. That spoke to me. I want to be filled up and encouraged by those I spend my time with. I am learning that instead of unfriending the "needy or not so fun to be around people in my life, I need to pray about who God wants me to spend my time with. then be prepared through prayer that many of those people may not be who I would choose.

Q#2 What areas do you struggle with pride?

I like to be in control and plan ahead. I am often humbled when the Lord takes me a different direction then I expected.

Q#3 Using the definition of humility, recognizing yourself for who you really are, how do you define yourself?

Bossy, stubborn, Stuck in MY ways, always attempting to hold the reigns.

Q#4 How does the fact that Jesus love you, just as you are, change your view?

I am learning to use my stronger characteristics like bossy and always leading for good and not bad. Just being aware that I have certain characteristics is a huge difference. I am learning to pray more and not just OFFER the Lord the reigns to my life in worship and prayer but actually give them over to Him. Because through His love and meeting me where I am at, imperfections, short comings and all, I am humbled that He loves me enough to forgive me over and over and over. Everlasting unconditional love is so powerful and an area in my life I really need the Lord to meet me at and share the burden of the yoke with Him, my Heavenly Father.
Matthew 11:28-30
Then Jesus said,"Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. let me teach you, because I am humble and gently, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke fits perfectly, and the burden i give you is light."

All I Need Is Jesus Ch 2

Ch 2 I am not a supermodel

Q#1 Do you feel pressure to look a certain way? Where does it come from?

Yes, I do feel that pressure. Ever since having Paisley and moving to California I have lost the confidence that I used to have. I am slowly but surely gaining that back. The pressure comes from myself, I am always comparing myself to more fit and in shape women, but that is what makes me get my butt off the couch and working out again, so I do not mind comparing.

Q#2 How do you think God views how you look?

I think it hurts His feelings when I do not fully appreciate the God given beauty He has blessed me with. I think He is pleased when I take care of my body and eat healthier and excersize, for both me and for my families sake.

Q#3 Do you give more care to your "inner" or "outer" beauty?

Sadly my outer. It is easier to focus on the outer beauty. The inner beauty takes a lot more work. Now that I have been challenged though, I will arise to the occasion and change that.

All I Need Is Jesus Ch 1

Ch.1 I am oh so tired

Q#1 What part of your life do you struggle with "the tired lady?"

Many parts. As of late I have (more often then not) had a difficult time prioritizing. I am a Mom, wife, friend, believer, entrepreneur, cook, cleaner and so much more. I need to make prayer a top priority and let the rest of my hats rest in the Lords hands. After all He have me all of the hats in the first place...

Q#2 How do you feel life is pulling at you?

How is it not... I am trying to learn to go with the flow and respond to change better (a must as a mom) But I always feel like I am failing just enough in one area that I never allow the positive feelings of success from another area to sink in. Therefore I feel like I have failed (again) It makes me feel like I can never get it "all" right and enjoy life.
BUT I am learning (through self reflection and prayer) that the Lord loves me enough to meet me where I am at. I do not have to have it "all" together to please the Lord or to receive His love. His love is unconditional, and because He loves me unconditionally it allows me to love myself more unconditionally.

Q#3 How do you identify with Peter and his struggles?

I hope that I do not identify with Peter (well at least Simon[he was Simon before the Lord changed his name to Peter]) I pray that if I am in any way similar to Peter (his betrayal and lazy side) that the Lord would use whatever He has to to knock me straight and open my eyes. I pray that the Lord will not give up on me!

Q#4 What is your prayer as you are caught in the crazy life?

Lord,
I thank you from the bottom of my heart that you love me enough to meet me where I am. I thank you for your forgiveness and the compassion you show towards me every day. I am thankful that you know my heart and hear my cries for grace and patience all the while saving me from myself. I owe everything to you and pray for you guidance through my busy days, that you would assist me in prioritizing my day to day tasks. I love you, Amen

Freed To Be Healed

February 1st, 2009
Matthew 18:15-35

- When you find yourself offended, go to the one who offended you. Let them know that they offended you. Don't go around telling everyone else of how they have offended you, go to the source.

- when you hold on to an offense, you become the problem.

- The Lord has blessings for your heart and life, when you hold on to offenses you are putting up walls keeping those out.

- verse 35 in Matthew 18
God has destined us for greatness don't get caught up and dragged down by not forgiving.
As many times as we have been forgiven, it would be hypocritical to not forgive others.
Practice faith and forgiveness always.

- Mark 11
- 1 Peter 3
- Matthew 6
- James 5 13-16

- Luke 37-38 reminds us that we set our own measuring line.
It is human to not forgive, judge, hold on to offenses and wrongs done towards us, our heavenly Father can change that. The measure you use on others will be used on you.

- Refuse to be the victim. see Genesis 50:20
Give it to the Lord, do not hold on to it and allow yourself to be the victim. The Lord will use it for his good.

- Remember that they are human, pray that you can see them through God's eyes.

- Remember that God is just, God sees the wrongs and He will right them, therefore there is no need to hold on to it yourself. Pray for those who hurt you!

That No Man May Boast

January 4th, 2009
Judges 6-8

My Notes:
So much in life does not depend on us, God has created us and mapped out our life before we were even born. So to take it on our shoulders allowing stress and or the pride of doing it yourself is just silly and not what God intended for us...

Ephesians 2 8-10 (one of my favorite and heavily highlighted passages)
For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith- and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God- not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

Our focus needs to be on God once it shifts our point of view shifts the weight falls back on us.

It is by God's grace, and God's grace alone.

Judges 6
Where Israel is brought low and humbled and God tests Gideon. Gideon is talking to God "...My clan is the weakest in Manasseh, and I am the least in my family..." It does not matter your appearance, your size or your position here on earth. God has a plan for your life that is all that matters. Are you on track to hear when God asks something of you and reveals things that He has been doing in your life to give Him glory?

James 4:13-17 Now listen you who say" today or tomorrow we will go to this city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, "It it's the Lord's will, we will do this or that." As it is, you boast and brag. All such boasting is evil. Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins.

One thing were taught to add to our vocabulary growing up was "the Lord's will be done" when praying or just talking about the future. As a mother, wife and woman that loves the Lord I feel this: As for me and my house we will pray about everything, be anxious for nothing and ask that the Lord's will be done in all circumstances in our lives to bring Glory to Him. That is not always easy, and it is not always the very first quote that comes to mind, I am not going to lie. BUT in every circumstance, once I get my head out of my a** I am able to hear the gentle nudge from the Lord reminding me to give it back to Him... once I do of course He swoops in taking back control and beautiful miracles happen.

See past blogs for some examples and lessons learned...

Pnuemonia saved my life

Thursday, September 27, 2007


Pnuemonia saved my life

I am just getting over a painful and horrific week of twists and turns of every sort. Finances, family, babies changing continuously, pnuemonia and everything that brings with it, being alone through another tough time with out any family physically here to help, moving and everything that entails, dealing with personal demons, struggling to look in the mirror becuase I don't like what I see, that has been my week. But just like from past experiences in my life and there are many what doesn't kill makes you stronger. I am now ready to something about it. I first realized I was still carrying all of this responsiliblity on my shoulders. I let it go, I gave it to God and felt better instantly. Of course it is not that easy. There were some more realizations along the way. Everything happens for a reason, and though I am not saying I feel God made me get pnuemonia so I might actually stop for a week and slow down I am grateful that I could take advantage of my position and start now. I have had to be quarantined. Those of you that actually know me this is my biggest down fall. I need people, I need my daughter, and I need my husband. I am very capable but I would rather do it all with them around me. In my time to ponder the universe with my mind I kept running into the fact that I never have time to pray I never have time to walk the dog I never have time to eat more fruit or go take photos or draw or read a book. I dont have time becuase I dont make time. The truth is I choose what I do with my time and no one else. I need to make the choice to wake up and walk the dog and enjoy the life I am blessed with. All of this opportunity as a stay at home to slow down and enjoy life. I dont have to be somewhere at a certain time everyday so enjoy have a cup of coffee (decaf or I will go nuts) and sit and just be thankful for everything around me. As my mind began to wonder off again like the branches of some gorgeous tree from a storybook hillside I hit on the fact that when we move into our larger place with better immenities and such that life will be better I tell myself. When I think back to many cermons Pastor Ron preached. "If you aren't happy in one pasture you wont be happy in the next. You must learn to be happy in the current pasture (situation) before moving on to enjoy the next. Otherwise you WILL just find yourself going around in circles unitl you figure it out." So I looked around my room I was stuck in. Suddenly as I looked around with a different approach to everything it all became much brighter. We are blessed and fortunate enough to own everything that is in our place. We OWN a house full of furniture and nice stuff to be thankful for. Not everyone can say that. We have all the interior to make a house a home it could be a lot worse! When we move next month this will all be showcased properly and life will be decluttered. I am also working on decluttering my life in other ways. Enjoying one thing at a time and not multi tasking when I dont have to. I am not in a rush. The more I slow down and I am able to look around at the beauty around me life is so much more pleasant. I am so much more pleasant. I am not picking myself apart. I am enjoying and focusing on my husband and what I can do for him. What new things my daughter and I can explore and enjoy together. What I can do on our budget to bless our friends and family. While slowing down other areas that needed tending to came up and where addressed. Friendships were mended and others are blossoming because I am giving it what it deserves. Including a love/love realationship with myself. I am glad that I was able to get out of my circle it was really riding thin. Plus I could really use some new scenary. Now I can just look back and giggle. I can cry some happy tears and move forward carrying my new outlook with me. The real test will begin when I can get out of bed and get back to normal, well my new normal. but I am ready to approach the challenge only this time it is not my foot prints you will see in front. I dont know the real purpose of a blog I just feel it is a place you can write down how you feel if someone wants to read it great. Well I had to learn this one the hard way and I thought maybe someone else somewhere is feeling the same way too. So if you are I hope that you found your way to my blog and maybe you got some answers. Maybe you are even more confused. Either way I am writing this to remind myself when life gets going too fast again to come back to this so I dont have to do it the hard way. So I learned that I need to give it to God. I need to slow down. I need to take time for myself and "as for me and my house we will serve the Lord." If you arent doing this please try it what can it hurt. By doing all of the above I feel better and alive again encouraged to take it on I pray you will too.

great appreciation

Sunday, May 11, 2008


great appreciation
Current mood: adored

Today is mother's day. My second mother's day now officially being a Mom. I am sitting here just pinching myself that I should be so lucky to have been blessed with such an amazing family. My husband is SO HOT, faithful, strong and my best friend. My daughter is SO CUTE sometimes she borders on gross... she has the sweetest heart and loves making people smile even at one. She is my second best friend. Everyday is a challenge and we are no different than any other newer families. I would like to thank my parents for raising me the way that they did. (Jason's too) We both may have tried to take our own routes for a few years through high school and got lost, but always knew we had a place in God's arms. I know for a fact that I personally have made the Lord cry a few tears because of some poor choices. But thanks to His grace, I am forgiven. I have moved on with my life and here we are raising a beautiful family and taking every chance to give God the praise for it all. This Mother's day I am reflecting on everything that I have to be thankful for and what I hope to pass on to my family, through example.
Always keep your childlike faith.
Always put God first.
Work hard.
Play hard.
But work hard first...
Smile and laugh every chance you can get.
Never take anything too seriously.

This Mother's day I could not be more thankful. I am making a point to be the best example I can be. Stay positive through it all and love others for who they are!
Happy Mother's day!!!

Lifes hard lessons

Wednesday, August 27, 2008


Lifes hard lessons
Current mood: peaceful

Lifes hard lessons... everyone goes through them. Everyone deals with troubles, heartache, and stress throughout their lives. It is what we do before during and after those tests that make us who we are. I grew up drinking and doing drugs in an attempt to ignore many of those tests. I have tried staying too busy to notice some tests that I might not want to face. I have to admitt I have even tried placing blame on others at times to detour around a test.
Today I woke up feeling overwhelmed, defeated and confused thanks to my current test. This one is not disappearing so easily... today I decided I would face this test head on. My first reaction was to fight back and lower myself to this person (who is apparently my test) and tell him how I feel. I felt justified because of the way that he has been treating me, my family and our kindness. As I responded to his appaling email, I was expecting to feel the burden gone and feel better for finally telling him how I feel and putting him in his place! But before I could push send I had a rock in my heart (that is what happens when I am not listening to God and trying to take the wheel and do it my way) Thankfully I paid attention to that rock, stepped back and called on a friend who I trust and respect. By the end of my phone call to this third party I felt a clearer vision of my situation. It is always hard to look at yourself in the mirror and really address and or change things about yourself. But hard or not it was time I nipped this one and moved one.
Today I learned the difference between sticking up for myself and or my family while still doing what is right. It is hard to swallow your pride and be nice when the person you are showing the kindness to does nothing but throw drama and attempts for conflict in your face. Today I learned to not take people and their actions so personal. I realized the next time that someone hurts me I need to step back from the situation and evaluate whether it is directed at me or if that is just the type of person you are dealing with. On top of everything else something I have always struggled with was telling people how I really feel (and feel that I am being true to myself) while maintaining my character that I have worked so hard to be proud of. Today I did it, I took all of the advice and lessons I have learned and retained over the years and put them to good use. I responded but stayed true to myself, my character and still held him accountable. I did not think it was possible to do it all at the same time.
Tomorrow of course could be another test, but this time I will be ready to go through it with God by my side BEFORE I get overwhelmed and try it my way 20 times :)
I ended by praying for him, as hard as it was. I really ment it and I have never felt better. My mind is clear and focused. My heart is strong and happy. My smile is back and the weight off my shoulders is slowly but surely disappearing.
aaaaaggggghhhhhh (long sigh) moving on now and going forward with God in front!
I highly suggest confronting your tests and getting them over with. If not they will only come back bigger and badder. If and when you confront them with God by your side it is much more rewarding. PRAY TRUST & LEARN through lifes hard lessons and just see what God will do for you and through you ...
Current mood: peaceful

stepping out of my box

Tuesday, November 11, 2008


stepping out of my box
Current mood: encouraged
Category: encouraged Goals, Plans, Hopes

Personally I this retreat thing was all new to me. When I was asked I of course said yes, then as it got closer and more real I tried to back out. I have and always been a tom-boy and therefore do not do well in situations surrounded by women and women only! I prayed about it and felt compelled to go even knowing I would be sharing a hotel room with 4 women and be surrounded by 80 other women throughout the three days. Then when I had decided I was willing to go the entire amount of the weekend was gifted by someone unknown. (around $250) I knew then that the Lord specifically wanted me there.
Jason took off Friday so that he could watch Pais and I drove myself and 5 other
girls. It started rough, I had a horrible tension headache and to be honest could barely drive... we got there ate dinner and got settled in our rooms. I was blessed with perfect roomies. Two of which I already knew and the third I did not. The second I met her I realized she was everything everyone said she was. WONDERFUL!
The entire weekend was appropriately titled A Diamond In the Rough "uncovering the value of your life" The Lord knew I needed some huge help in this area. I know I am blessed with a wonderful husband who is getting better and better each day taking care of me and Pais, and of course Paisley is wonderful too, DUH! But realizing that I, Me, Traci Kenitzer... was valuable.
I have so much that I learned and took home with me from my weekend but I want to share a lot of it. So here is a scattering of things that spoke to me enough to write in my journal and maybe they will to you too?

Diamonds are : indestructable, hold under pressure, sparkle and draw others near to see the inner beauty
Diamonds start from coal and when applied the right amount of pressure turn into a valuable diamond.
Each test that the Lord puts me through is to put pressure on me to make me His diamond.

Treasures are not to be found with out sweat
Ask for wisdom to understand and know what the hard circumstances are or were for
Wisdom is given by God, He is the only way to true life
see Job 28 1-28

At one point the speaker asked us to write down why we feel we are here this weekend. Here is what I wrote.
The Lord called me here. He chose me to be here this weekend because He has a wonderful plan for my life.

In our weakness He is strong and He will be glorified!

We are already diamonds we just need to be uncovered and shine like a diamond
see Isiah 43:18
God unclogs our lives to let the light shine through reflecting more beautiful things of God... we just have to look and ask!

God wastes no moment, no tribulation, no test happens with out reason. Remember and know that the Lord loves you and chooses you for each trial. Taking you with Him to that next level.
Give me more lord and shine through me!!! Lord I write this to you, faith is something that I was born with. Childlike faith is my specialty. Recently whether lazy or not making the time I have not put God first. I am feeling the pressure to do so. He deserves my all and I truely deeply want to give it to Him. I want to constantly give my all to Him, keeping the door of my heart open to the blessings and miracles that he has for me. I do not want to leave any of my boxes in heaven full. (Ron Mehl used to say that he pictured an area in heaven where there were rooms with boxes. Everyones name was on a box, each box contained all of the blessing that God had intended for each of us before we were even born. That when we get to heaven the Lord will sit down with us and go over our box or boxes showing us all of the miracles He had waiting up here for us that we just never asked) I want to show Paisley and Jason how good it is when you make that choice and follow through with it, daily. It is time, God has chosen me, I am answering the call and going to go forward continually hand in hand with My Lord, My God. I love you so much and more...
Love Traci

see Psalms 107 1-43
it explains that some are wanderers, some are prisoners, some are fools and other are merchants. I stood when she asked who of us consider ourselves wanderers.
in the Psalms it says this of the wanderer "Some wandered in desert wastelands, finding no way to a city where they could settle,they were hungry and thirsty... Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble and He delivered them from their distress. He led them by a straight way to a city where they could settle. Let them give thanks to the lord for His unfailing love and His wonderful deeds for men, for He satisfies the thirsty and fills the hungry with good things. (Psalms 107 4-9)
I am a wanderer my heart is crying out to be belong and find my place, to feel love... Gods love is the only love that can satisfy me and fulfill me. I know that now!

God is in control.
Fear is OK, it is natural. It is what you do with that fear...
1. what am I going to do? How will I react?
-What comes out of you when you are squeezed? It is what is truly inside of you.
-learn to be happy out in the deep
-let things get out of control
we are not called to live in fear
2. what are you going to do when you are in trouble?
-stand up in courage
-risk walking into the unknown
-you were specifically called to live on the edge, being an example for those who are still afraid to
-live life leaning so far on God that if He was to move you would fall flat on your face, that is real faith (Ron Mehl)

I am a wanderer. But I am created to be a leader. I will take that gift and make the most of my past present and my future!
I will live by faith, be known by love and lead by wisdom.

The Lord giveth and the lord taketh away but blessed be the name of the Lord

Matthew 13:44 The kingdom of heaven is like a treasure hidden in a field. When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field.
He bought that field because he knew the value of it. My life is a field.

let go of the reigns truly be ready and willing to live unbalanced, only then will the Lord have control.

Don't wait to know your worth before you step out. If you wait for everything to be "perfect" or lined up you are waisting time that you could be blessing others and be receiving blessings God has in heaven waiting to grant you.
see 2 corinthians 3,4,5

My personal goals: (please help hold me accountable)
-stop waiting until I feel loved to love others.
-stop waiting to be "rich" to bless others
-stop waiting for a place of comfort to comfort others.
leave my selfishness behind, stand up strong in My Lord, courageous and in prayer touch those who the lord has put on my heart!
Also
Surrender the things that take up my time. Take a fine tooth comb over my day picking out the things I know do not need to be there.
Great freedom comes from great sacrifice
God is faithful, know that God is around the corner waiting, that is all I need to know.

thank you for reading this, I know it was long. I am just so happy to have take so much away from this experience. I will gladly be signing up for the next one. I have many more stories that I might share if i get a chance, but over all it was amazing!
Love Traci